Revelation & New Beginnings - My 100th post!

It seems appropriate that my 100th post would be about something pretty awesome. This past week, God has been doing some intense revealing of my life to me. I picked up a book and read it over the holiday weekend (Boundaries by Cloud/Townsend). For some, that book may only be telling you what you already know, but for me it kind of blew my mind. It was like I had been living for a long, long time, knowing that something was off, but never understanding what it was. And suddenly, in reading this book, I was able to develop the vocabulary to understand a lot of my issues.

Do you remember how I posted recently about my walls? And how they don't really seem to protect me from things? There's a part in Boundaries where they talk about how some people have walls with gates (good), only their gates are backwards and they let in the bad while keeping out the good (bad). I think that's me. I feel like my whole life I've had reversed gates. As I've been hurt by others, I've learned to not put my heart out, to keep it "safe". Instead however, I just get hurt by others, without having the deep, meaningful friendships that will help me withstand and heal from the hurt. I experience the pain caused by others, without having opened my heart to the love of others as well.

My thoughts about a lot of things are reversed. I've talked about how I am a very responsible person. Only I've been realizing this week, that my sense of responsibility is actually reversed. I feel responsible for everyone else's feelings and actions. If I say something that upsets someone, then it's my fault. I should have known better. I should have anticipated their reaction and accounted for it. I carry the weight of others' bad choices. I carry the weight of others' mistakes.

When it comes to being responsible for myself, hoewever, quite the opposite is true. I feel like a victim. I feel like I am the victim of my circumstances, the victim of my own choices. I feel helpless and out of control. So instead of "owning" my own choices, I take responsibility for others' lives while feeling helpless to control anything in my own life. Talk about exhausting!

Something I heard when I was young was the idea that "Any control you think you have over your own life is just an illusion." I really think I absorbed and came to believe that idea. Only it's false. It's a lie. Because I do have some control over my life. I cannot control what happens to me, but I can control how I react to it. I control my yes and my no. I can set boundaries and say, "You may continue to act the way you are acting, but I will leave if you do, because your actions are hurtful to me." I can take actions to care for my own soul. In doing all of that, I am controlling my life.

I can give you an example to make this all a little clearer. Lately, I've really been struggling at my job. I've been feeling sorry formyself, and saying things like, "I just ended up here. I never intended to be working this job." I was starting to resent my work for the amount of time it took in my life. And when you resent your work, it makes it pretty hard to put out much effort in doing it. As I was thinking about the whole idea of being responsible for my own choices, I suddenly had this crazy clarity: I made the choice to work where I work. No one is forcing me to work there. If I really hate it, I can leave. No one is forcing me to live the comfortable lifestyle I live in order to make me feel a slave to my job and its paycheck. It was my choice. Sure, it's not a job I ever dreamt of having, but it is a job that I chose in order to live in the place I want to live. I realized all of this on Monday night. This was one of the best work weeks I've had in a long time. I didn't spend half my day trying to avoid work and feeling resentful. What a blessing!

It sucks to feel helpless in one's own life. I feel like I'm suddenly flying now that I am beginning to understand what I can and cannot control. My mind has been going like mad since I read the book, as I've tried to process and understand the implications for my life. I have many other things I want to talk about and write about, but this would be a very long post.

One thing I know I need to mention is that I am going to need help living this out. I have a lifetime of habits of feeling responsible for others and a victim. Although I feel like a GIANT weight has been lifted off of me right now, I know that I will be tempted to slip back into those patterns and pull that weight slowly back onto my shoulders. I feel like I finally have deep enough relationships with people right now, that I may have the support I need to learn to live out this newfound freedom. Thank you, Father in Heaven. I don't deserve Your love, but I am profoundly greatful that You have seen fit to bless me as You have.