An Old Fashioned Girl

C.S. Lewis wrote a book called "Surprised by Joy," and, while I have read it, I honestly can't remember a thing about it. But the title has been coming back to me today because I feel like my experience is often the opposite: I'm suprised by sadness. When I'm happy for no reason, I never question it. "Why are you in such a good mood today, Sarah?" I don't know. Who cares? But when I suddenly find myself feeling sad for no apparent reason, I'm surprised. Where is that feeling coming from? Yesterday, I was definitely feeling sad.

Because I was also feeling rather sick, I crawled into bed at 9:30pm with my laptop and a movie. Not having succumbed to a Netflix subscription, I had to raid my roommate's movies for a selection. I picked up "Little Women" (the 1994 version) which I hadn't seen since it came out. That was a long time ago. When I was younger, I was a devoted fan of Louisa May Alcott. I used to tell people that if they wanted to know what I was like, they should read An Old Fashioned Girl. No one else referred people to a book to describe their personality, did they? I was such an odd twelve year old.

Anyway, watching the movie last night made me remember why I love Louisa May Alcott so very much. Because I swear, if I had been born in the 19th Century, I would have been her. So many of the lines get me. Last night it was: "Jo, did you think that with your gifts life would be easy?" Gasp. Sob. I feel your pain, Jo! And just the general longing for things to stay in their happy state and never change. I confess, I truly hate change sometimes.

I suppose my dislike is the result of having lived a mostly happy life. When I'm in a place where things are good, I want them to stay that way forever. And when things change, it often brings me great pain. Even if things are supposedly changing for the better. Like someone falls in love and gets married. I still sorrow for the change in relations between myself and that person. It's all very selfish, I'm sure.

I know that we should always be striving to change, to be transformed ever more into the likeness of Christ (II Corinthians 3:18). Paul uses the metaphor of a baby growing from drinking milk to eating solid food to describe Christians in one of his letters. It's about a growth process. But do you ever feel your feet suddenly start dragging? You begin to think things like but I'm so happy right now. Everything is so secure. So safe. So comfortable. I sure do.

Pastor Mark loves to say that change can only occur when "the actual pain of staying the same outweighs the perceived pain of changing." That may not be word-for-word, but it's close. But what happens when I'm not hurting if things stay the same? What happens if I quite like my life and my friends and the changes mean I will have to once again try to re-grow friendships? What then?

I'm not sure I'm ready to accept change at this moment. I have to, of course, but I'm not sure I'm ready to accept it willingly and with hope. Nicole is back to school out of state, Joel is off to dangerous adventures in Sudan, Jesse is going to be away for training and then he deploys again. Things have to change. It's life. But I feel rather like kicking and screaming against it right now.