Ponderings of an Eccentric

The Deepest Cut

2012-02-11T21:47:00.000-09:00

I am going to be teaching a lesson on judgmentalism to a large group of women on Wednesday. I've known about this for months now. I wrote the written part of the lesson nearly two months ago. But as I've pondered what to say, I have kept drawing a blank. I know I like to teach with stories, but no stories have been coming to mind. I don't want to simply reiterate what is already written in the book, so what more do I have to add?

It's funny, because not judging others has to be one of the top 5 topics in the Bible. I mean, I haven't done an official count or anything, but that would be my guess. It's everywhere, from the beginning to the end. Don't judge. Have mercy. Only God can see a person's heart. If you are a Christian at all, you have heard it over and over again.

Why? This is the question I have really been pondering through all of this. I know the basic premise: "There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you—who are you to judge your neighbor?" But as I have gone deeper, I have wondered why judging is so harmful. Why is it that God repeats his instructions to us over and over in this area? What are we actually doing when we judge another person?

I was talking to a friend of mine the other day and she said that she was realizing how deeply we all long to know and be known and accepted. She said she has always known that, but it really hasn't sunk in until more recently. And I suddenly realized: this is why. This is the answer. The deepest desire of the human soul is to be known and loved, by God and by others. To be accepted. To be delighted in. To have an answer to "Who am I?" and "Am I okay?".

The reason that judging another is so terrible, so grave, is because it tears into the deepest part of our soul. When we judge another, we look at them and say, "I see you and I am not accepting you." Oh, you do that? You are that kind of person? You believe what exactly? Even a calm, quiet statement can scream "You do not belong here!" to another person's heart. That is tragic. It is the complete opposite of the gospel. The gospel says, "You have crap. You are broken. And you are beautiful because you are covered in the blood of Christ. You are covered in love."

Christians are meant to be the light of the world. We should be the safe place where people can come and just be. We should be the people who bring light into dark places with love and mercy. How many people are longing for someone to look at them and say: "God loves you. He died for you. At the depth of your very soul, you are known and you are loved."

Don't get me wrong here. There are many times when we are supposed to call someone out on their sin. When we look at someone and say, "Friend, you are wrong here. In this area of your life, you are not okay." But we are to speak the truth in love. We are to see the person as someone for whom Christ shed his very blood. That is not judgment. Those words bring healing.

Judgment is so bad because it denies the value of a person. Because it tells someone, without love or mercy, "I see you, and you are not okay." And that is never Christ. That is not what God does. God looks at the heart of a person. He sees things we can never see. "Who are you to judge your neighbor?" Instead, "Love your neighbor as yourself."

Learn who people are and love them for it.

Segregation in Church

2012-02-04T11:35:00.000-09:00

I have no idea where this idea came from (props to anyone who finds it), but a friend of mine said she recently read a statement that startled her. "The church is still the most segregated place in America--but I don't mean racially." This is so true! Come to church and find a small group. Are you married? Single? Married with kids? Empty nesters? Divorced with kids? Man? Woman? What age? We segregate ourselves out into these tiny profiles of "similar" people. Because every age group "needs" something different, right? I think that when we do this, we actually create huge hindrances for people's growth.

I have talked about the need for intergenerational relationships before, as it is something that has come up again and again. But I am seeing increasingly we need even more integration in every area of church life. Now, I'm not denying that there are some things I'm going to be able to say to a group of women that I won't be able to say to a group of men. That's just the way life is. But here's the thing: I should have so many people of different backgrounds and ages in my life, that I don't need to worry about having a place to say anything.

It's funny because the world at large seems to understand the importance of diversity. How people from different backgrounds bring different perspectives that make the whole stronger than the sum of its parts. Why don't we get that in the church? Why don't we understand that older folks and younger folks need each other? That we get imbalanced when we only have male friends or only have female friends or only have married friends or only have single friends?

I remember reading a comment at some point about how an older single didn't like being with college singles because their concerns were different. 401(k)s vs. parties. And marrieds with kids have totally different concerns than singles, right? Or do we?

This is where the entire premise and underlying foundation of segregation breaks down. Let me guess: you have sin in your life and you struggle with it. Your relationships don't all look like you want. Sometimes you just DON'T GET why people act the way they do. You sometimes struggle with self-reproach. You sometimes struggle with judging others. You worry about money sometimes. You wonder whether or not someone would love you if he or she knew everything about you. Does any of this sound familiar? That's because, underneath it all, we are all fundamentally the same.

There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus. - Galatians 3:28

In the end, we don't all need different things. We all need the same thing. The same One. We all need Christ, and Him crucified. That's it. Our problems may look different on the surface, but they aren't. They all boil down to needing God. This is true no matter our age, no matter our marital status, no matter our race. We need to stop segregating ourselves and start remembering that Christ called us to unity, with Him and with the Father. These separations we have created are all artificial. We're not going to have segregated groups in Heaven! We will all worship together.

The iWorld

2012-01-28T09:45:00.001-09:00

Such a long time since I've posted! But I have been feeling an internal push to get back into blogging. And so, here goes!

I doubt that it's a huge surprise to anyone for me to say that American culture is self-obsessive. It's pretty obvious how completely "I"-focused our culture is. Some have even termed modern Western culture the "iWorld." But lately, I've been really pondering how being immersed in the iCulture has completely warped our Christian beliefs and perspective.

In a discipleship group I am in, the leader asked a large group of women: "Why does God want to transform us?" The answers started coming back, "Because He loves me," "For His glory," "To restore me to how He created me to be." These are all good and true answers, but it was interesting that when I threw out, "To be a witness to others," many women looked confused. This had come up in an earlier conversation that day when talking to someone about what an encouragement it is to watch another person grow in faith. When a person grows in faith and shares that, it brings others toward Christ. Sometimes God wants to transform us so that we can reach others, not just better ourselves.

We seem to have lost that in our American Christianity. It's all about me and God. Everything is between me and God. A popular thing to do is to read John 3:16 and replace "world" with your own name: "For God so loved Sarah, that He gave His one and only son..." Don't get me wrong here, it is crucially important for us each to accept God's personal love for us, but the fact is that John 3:16 says world not "you." God loves us as part of a bigger story. My journey with Him is my journey, but it's also part of a journey with billions and billions of travel companions.

A while ago, I was struggling with God about something. It was a sin that I really didn't want to be a sin (anyone feel like this before?). And I knew I needed an attitude adjustment about it. The knowledge of what it was doing to me and what it was doing to God were not enough motivation for me. Then God asked me, "What are you doing to this other person? Are you loving the other in your actions?" That opened my eyes and took the whole issue outside of me. It reminded me that I am part of someone else's story. That what I do has an effect on someone else's life and walk with God.

My transformation can inspire transformation in another. My sin can cause another person to stumble. My healing is not for me alone. Jesus' "Great Commission" is to go to others. It's not to grow into the best person I can be with just me and God. It's not to journal more or read more Scripture or become the holiest person I can. Those are good things, but they are not everything. This world is not the iWorld. It's the world. And it is a world that desperately needs to know God and witness His transforming power in our lives.

This may have something to do with why I am blogging again!

Passion Prayer: My Confession

2011-04-23T13:48:00.000-08:00

A number of years ago, I read Red Moon Rising, an amazing book about the birth of the 24-7 prayer movement in Europe. It awakened a passion in me for prayer. Prayer is extraordinarily powerful. Prayer changes people, it changes communities, it changes the world. Prayer is not boring because it is about spending time with God, the all-powerful, all-loving, Creator of the entire universe. How could that ever be boring?

In response to this, I have organized a number of 24 hour prayer events at my church, beginning with Passion Prayer last year. This was continuous prayer in one room from 9pm Maundy Thursday evening to 8am on Easter morning. Then I organized 24/6 in October, which was an entire 6 days of continuous prayer during our church's 15 year anniversary celebration.

This year, as Easter came around again, I knew that I was supposed to organize another round of Passion Prayer. I can't lie: I was completely unmotivated. See, I thought these prayer events were supposed to kindle all sorts of things. In my mind, a beautiful community of prayer-loving people would be the fruit from these times. But that isn't what has happened. As far as I can see, nothing I wanted or dreamed of has happened. The events certainly haven't looked like I was expecting them to look. They have, in many respects, disappointed me. So why do it again?

I was sharing with a friend some of my feelings about these events. My frustration with what I was seeing and my dying dreams. We talked about the culture of where we live, and its focus on the interior life of a person rather than exterior. I began to feel the flame growing inside of me again. I am not content to sit still and do nothing. If I believe that prayer changes things, then why would I stop planning these events? If I want to see change and healing and the birth of new things, then how could I stop fighting for it? Am I willing to give up the results I want to see to simply keep fighting?

It is good for me to have passion and dreams for the commands that God gives me. But, oh, how loosely I must hold on to my own ideas! Otherwise I begin to try to make my dreams happen. I get frustrated and annoyed when God doesn't do what I expected Him to do. I can easily slip into anger and bitterness. I can easily loose the fight. God didn't tell me this would be easy. He actually didn't tell me anything except, "Do this." My disappointments are all the result of my own imaginings of what God would do.

I prayed at 3am on Friday morning in the prayer room. And God was there. He met with me and we had such a good time together. And that is enough. He has not failed me. He has not left me. He continues to say, "Do this," so how could I stop?

P.S. Check my Tumblr tomorrow for before and after pictures of the prayer room!

A New Direction

2011-04-04T12:46:00.000-08:00

It has been a long time since I blogged here regularly. For a while, it was part of my weekly routine because I felt like God asked me to do that. But things change and life takes new directions. I have been increasingly sure that my life is about to shift focus. I am actually really excited about it, but I don't think that continuing this blog will be part of that shift.

The last five years of my life have been a time of intense pondering and learning and growing. I feel like the shift now is to action. This does not mean that I will stop pondering--or even that I won't write an occasional post here. It does mean that I am excited about starting some new things in my life. This blog has been an amazing way for me to process and share all the things that God has been teaching me. Now, I need a place to share all the amazing things God is doing for and through me!

Visit my new blog!

Maybe I'm Crazy

2011-02-22T19:42:00.003-09:00

Water rising
Brokenness floats by
Lies and truth rush together
I can't hold my
head up

Words swirl in rounds
Emotion in waves
Shards of the past and future
And I can't save
myself

My ears are pounding
Everything is now
Despairing to hope I pray
I can somehow
find rest

Does anyone hear me
Know what I mean
Or am I alone
Maybe I'm crazy

Water rising
Brokenness floats by
Lies and truth rush together
I can't hold my
head up

Please Don't Eat Me: The Longing for Unity

2011-02-19T12:41:00.001-09:00

I am beginning to understand that the deepest longing of the human soul is a longing for unity, for connection, for oneness. I think this is what makes our relationships with others challenging and painful.

I want to be valued,

pursued

connected

part of something.

That deep longing, the deepest longing of my soul, because it is extraordinarily deep and strong, can with just the slightest movement become a demand. Instead of simply longing for oneness, I begin to demand it. The longing becomes a gnawing hunger.

You must meet my expectations.

You must give me what I need.

You must love me.

You must fill the hole I have that is crying out to be one with someone, with something.

Henri Nouwen writes about the pure longing for unity in his book Life of the Beloved:

Don’t you think that our desire to eat together is an expression of our even deeper desire to be food for one another? Don’t we sometimes say: “That was a very nurturing conversation. That was a refreshing time”? I think that our deepest human desire is to give ourselves to each other as a source of physical, emotional, and spiritual growth. Isn’t the baby at its mother’s breast one of the most moving signs of human love? Isn’t “tasting” the best word to express the experience of intimacy? Don’t lovers in their ecstatic moments experience their love as a desire to eat and drink each other? As the Beloved ones, our greatest fulfillment lies in becoming bread for the world. That is the most intimate expression of our deepest desire to give ourselves to each other.

Nouwen's beautiful vision of the purity of our desire for oneness is sadly not the reality of most of our relationships. Too consistently, we move from that purity to demanding that other's fill us, feed us. I've read Life Together many times, and Bonhoeffer's profound understanding of humanity amazes me every time. In the chapter on community, Bonhoeffer writes about this distinction between longing and demand, labeling longing "spiritual love" and demand "human love":

Human love is directed to the other person for his own sake, spiritual love loves him for Christ's sake. Therefore, human love seeks direct contact with the other person; it loves him not as a free person but as one whom it binds to itself. It wants to gain, to capture by every means; it uses force... Human love makes itself an end in itself. It creates of itself an end, an idol which it worships, to which it must subject everything.

You must love me. This gnawing hunger within me demands satisfaction, and I will eat you until you have nothing left to give. How many of us have felt the other side of this?

That person drains me.

I just can't do this relationship anymore.

Please stop asking me. I can't give you what you want.

I have nothing left to give.

It is heartbreaking. It is exhausting. It drives us to shallower and shallower forms of connection with other people. Because going deep is draining. Going deep is painful. Going deep means I will be chewed up and spit out.

Please don't eat me. Or I will eat you.

Please Don't Eat Me: All Consuming

2011-01-30T22:07:00.000-09:00

All the thinking about communion and eating and eating Jesus in particular led me to start noticing how much we talk about eating in our culture. And it's a lot.

We eat up an experience. We taste life. We devour books.

We experience gnawing pain, find situations delicious, and hope to taste things like immortality.

We are consumed by our jobs, our romances, our ambitions.

We are chewed up by others.

We tuck into to-do lists.

We digest thoughts, swallow our words, and savor victory.

We are consumers. Consumer-fraud. Consumer-driven changes. Consumer confidence is down.

We are what we eat.

I suppose that when eating (and by extension, drinking) is so invariably an inherent part of our lives that we cannot help but talk about it. We use it as a metaphor everywhere. We talk about it all the time. The concept of taking something into ourselves is part of every conversation where we are consuming ideas, eating a meal, or devouring the opposition.

We certainly don't talk about most other bodily processes that much. Except for maybe sex. It seems that we are always in a state of either eating or being eaten. We are consuming or being consumed.

Just think about it for a while. Pay attention to how many words in our language arise from eating.

What are you eating? What do you feel like is eating you? Or maybe it's not a "what" but a "who"?

Please Don't Eat Me: An Introduction

2011-01-23T20:45:00.000-09:00

Do you ever feel like every life lesson you learn seems to have something in common? Like there is some underlying concept that is consistent in all your epiphanies and all your problems, but you can never quite put your finger on it? Maybe I'm the only one who feels this way. But I do. And in the past few months, I feel like I am maybe starting to glimpse this core... thing. Truth? Issue? Idea? I don't know exactly how to categorize it. But it's everywhere. Everything points to it. It is a perpetual soundtrack to my life.

A few months ago, I began occasionally to attend prayer and Mass with my Catholic friend. She is amazing, and I am very grateful for her welcoming me into a place that I probably would never have dared to go (my little Baptist-grown heart is just not that brave). I have really enjoyed learning about the heretofor unknown to me Catholic side of Christianity. And one of the things that began to strike me is the emphasis on the Eucharist. The physical presence of Christ in communion. It caused me to think more deeply about communion than I ever have before. And communion is strange! We eat the body and drink the blood of Christ? Really? What on earth is it all about?

Pondering the utter bizarreness of this most central of Christian traditions, I was completely overwhelmed by the intense profundity of the action. The levels of meaning and symbolism in communion are staggering. Literally staggering. Months of pondering have really only scratched the surface for me. For every meaning I see, I can feel a dozen more out of reach. Jesus very much knew what He was doing when He left us this command.

Food and drink are the most basic human needs. I mean, depending on the climate, we can actually live without clothes or shelter. But we cannot survive without food or drink. It's impossible. Jesus is our food. Jesus is our drink. And so we take communion.

Our sins put Jesus on the Cross. He died for you. He died for me. We literally killed Him. And so we eat His body and drink His blood.

Jesus died to give us life. He raises us from the deadness of our life away from Him and gives us Himself. He is the bread of life. And so we eat the nourishing bread of His body and drink the healing water of His blood.

We feel so alone in this life. But when we receive the gift of grace from God, we become part of His family. We are all sons and daughters of the one true King. We are brothers and sisters who share the same father. We share the spiritual DNA of Christ. And so we partake of His body and blood together.

Do you see what I mean? Do you see what an utterly perfect symbol communion is? I can barely wrap my mind around it.

Being so focused on communion has led me to really think about this concept of eating in many different ways. But for now, just ponder anew the shocking revelation that Jesus' blood and body were given for us. Given for you.

An Update

2011-01-23T20:10:00.000-09:00

I haven't blogged in two and a half months. I have been busying buying a new condo and moving and celebrating Christmas and starting school again this semester. Tons of craziness. But I think things are about to settle into a routine, so I'm going to attempt to start blogging once more. We'll see how this goes...

Battle Weary

2010-11-05T22:33:00.001-08:00

God has brought me a long way in my life. He has healed and forgiven and patched me up in ways that I can't even begin to recount. I am awed by His love and care for me.

And yet.

Despite the countless victories in my life, There are battlefields where the fighting never seems to stop. I know the truth. I know how to pray. I know how to confess. I know all the right answers, the right actions. But the victory isn't there yet.

It's exhausting. The battle dies down for a bit, you see victory on the horizon, and then another wave of the enemy crests the hill. The same old feelings, the same old sin. Back again. And again. And again.

I know God has the power to break the cycle. Whether that means revealing the enemy's plans to me or teaching me a new battle tactic or breaking my own self-destructive desires. I believe that victory is possible.

It's just taking a really long time.

Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

My grace is sufficient for you. God is a God of grace and compassion unsurpassed by any other. His grace knows no limits.

My grace is sufficient for you. It is sufficient for every sin, every weakness, every flaw. My grace can cover it all. You are being made perfect. You are being kept from conceit and vanity.

Will the battle be won this side of heaven, Father? The fighting is exhausting. I am battle weary.

Daily Thought #14: Sorrow and Love Flow Mingled Down

2010-10-17T21:31:00.001-08:00

In the sermon today, Pastor Mark talked about how human beings are icebergs. We have behaviors that are on the surface, but there is exponentially more going on in our hearts where people can't see. Sometimes we can't even see what's happening under the surface of our own being. I really liked the illustration. I've found it to be strikingly true in my own life and heart.

It was funny because during one of the songs after the sermon, which was beautiful and moving, I suddenly remembered two snippets of conversations I had earlier in the day. Those words combined with the words of the song and made me cry. Despite genuinely resting in God's peace recently, there is still so much going on under the surface of my heart. Deep desires, deep hurts, deep places that I don't see very often.

It surprises me sometimes when I find a place of deep sorrow in my heart. I am generally a very happy person, with so much good in my life. But the sorrows are there. The grief is there. Things that have happened. Things that haven't happened. Longings unfulfilled. Requests not granted.

In the end, I need to trust God with all these things. When I suddenly glimpse a piece of teh iceberg that has been hidden, I need to give it to God to carry, to handle, to fix if need be. Even when He carries our sorrows and bears our grief, we still feel it.

Something I'm learning is that sorrow is not something to be avoided or surpressed or "healed." It is something to be experienced alongside other emotions. They all weave together to teach us more about ourselves and God. I think that's one of the things that I love most about living with God. Sorrow and love and joy all flow together into one beautiful song.

Soon and very soon
I'll be going
To the place He has prepared for me
There my sin erased
My shame forgotten
Soon and very soon

I will be with the One I love
With unveiled face I'll see
There my soul will be satisfied
Soon and very soon

Wonderland

2010-10-15T21:57:00.003-08:00

Wow, it's been a while since I've blogged. My life has been completely... well, after pouring over the thesaurus, I'm going to have to say that my life has been a little Alice-in-wonderland. Only I'm less well-dressed than the recent movie Alice! But that's kind of what I feel like. I'm never quite sure what is going to happen next in my world right now.

One thing I've had to do is not let the wonderland get to me. I have struggled with feeling overwhelmed by every twist and turn. I let my quiet times slip. I stayed up late. Bad choices. I had to reset a little bit last week and become more focused on how I was spending the time I had. I can't run all the time in wonderland without peace in my heart, and the only place I know to find peace in the midst of craziness is in God's presence.

Sometimes I wonder what someone who has never spent time with God would think about my words. I live in an Alice-in-wonderland world, but I talk about finding peace in God's presence. What does that mean?

I have a slightly obsessive personality. This is something I'm figuring out about myself. If there is something odd or off or dramatic going on, I tend to just obsess over it, fret over it, focus soley on it. I worry. Someone says something, maybe even something innocent, but I'm not sure what they meant. So I spend hours, even days, playing out 500 different scenarios in my mind about what they may have meant. Usually until I've worked myself up into some kind of crazy belief that is very doom-and-gloom. It's pretty ugly, actually. But once I've started into a spin, I can't pull myself out. I try to tell myself that I'm just being ridiculous, but it doesn't work. I just feel more and more insane.

I used to live a lot of my life like that. I had good days and lots of bad days. Many, many bad days were entirely because I was obsessing over something. It didn't take much for a good day to become a bad day. To some extent, I'm still like that. I still struggle with it. But I've learned something. I've learned that when I take thirty minutes, or an hour, or two hours, and I sit down with a journal and a Bible and pray--when I sit in God's presence purposefully--that somehow I can let go of things. I start to see the truth, I get clarity in place of confusion, I remember how big God is, and how small my problem is compared to Him. I gain perspective. I gain understanding. I gain peace.

I am the kind who makes a mountain from a mole hill. I take simple things and make them complicated. I don't even know how many times I've been told that I just "think too much." Thank goodness I know God! Thank goodness He is in charge. Thank goodness He is good. What's truly crazy is that sometimes I forget!

Psalm 130:1-7

Out of the depths I cry to you, O LORD;
O Lord, hear my voice.
Let your ears be attentive
to my cry for mercy.

If you, O LORD, kept a record of sins,
O Lord, who could stand?
But with you there is forgiveness;
therefore you are feared.

I wait for the LORD, my soul waits,
and in his word I put my hope.

My soul waits for the Lord
more than watchmen wait for the morning,
more than watchmen wait for the morning.

O Israel, put your hope in the LORD,
for with the LORD is unfailing love
and with him is full redemption.

Someday Never Comes

2010-09-27T12:29:00.001-08:00

I've been thinking about something lately. I really, really, really wish I could slow down some days. I am drawn to the monastic style of living, simply because the day must be slow. You have prayer and assigned tasks, but there is no hurry. You aren't going anywhere. There's no "career" to be furthered. No kids to run to school and after-school programs. No church committees even. Just a slow, contemplative life. Doesn't that sound nice?

I was talking to a friend the other day, and he said, "You seem tired a lot lately." Yes, yes, I rather am. I've been planning 24/6 prayer for church (started last night! Yay!), trying to figure out a place to live, extraordinarily busy at work, going to school, and still trying to maintain friendships with people. Later in the conversation we mentioned dating relationships and I thought: Who has time for a relationship??? But that makes me sad. I am running, running, running, growing exhausted, but I have little idea on how to stop.

I find that I have a lot of phrases that run through my head: When school starts, and I have a regular schedule, I'll have time to slow down. Then, When break comes, and I don't have work, I'll have time to slow down. These grow into, When I'm done with school, then I'll finally be able to slow down. Or maybe, When I have a place of my own to live, I'll be able to find more space for quiet. The barrage of "when, then" statements is pretty much constant and constantly changing.

Creedance Clearwater Revival has a song with a chorus that goes something like:
You better learn it fast
You better learn it young
'Cause someday
Never comes

I've been wondering lately if someday really never does come. Will there be a day when I don't have a million things clammoring for my attention? Will there be a day when I feel like I am master of my own schedule all the time, instead of my schedule often mastering me? Will there be some tipping point of commitments and lifestyle and relationships where I suddenly have plenty of free time for quiet pondering and reflection? When I'm not using my 30 minute lunch break to write a blog post because I don't have time otherwise?

I've been wondering if maybe CCR is right. Maybe that "when" will never actually happen. Instead it will remain right out in front of me, like a carrot on a stick, never actually getting nearer. Maybe I need a new strategy in this battle for quiet living.

Top Ten Things that Surprise Me...

2010-09-19T22:06:00.000-08:00

...about me. My friend, Mindy, tagged me in this meme at her blog The Devout Life. After reading her thoughtful and interesting blog, I'm half afraid to attempt my own dive into myself, but here it goes! These are in no particular order, by the way. Just ten different things that surprise me about myself!

1. My Job

I never once imagined myself working as a paralegal. Who wakes up and says, "Hey, I think I'll be a paralegal?" Most people don't even know what it means! I like to say I fell into my job, but that's really not fair, as God clearly led me into it. It is not something I imagined I would do, or ever would have chosen off a list of potential careers. But it is a good job, and after much soul-searching, I have come to thoroughly love it.

2. My Marital Status

Honest confession here: I had a super-meltdown on my 26th birthday. It actually took me a couple of days to figure out that I was freaking out about the fact that I was turning 26 and was still quite single with no prospects in sight. This surprised me, and honestly, sometimes continues to surprise me. Despite all my advocating on behalf of singles everywhere, I never really dreamed of being single in my "late" twenties.

3. My Education

I always assumed that I would get a graduate degree. Every one of my teachers seems to have always assumed that. Somewhere along the way, though, I fell out of love with school. I fell out of love with pressures and expectations and living the life that everyone expected me to live. And thus, I have a bachelor's and am pursuing a paralegal certificate. Not exactly graduate school!

4. My Location

Since I didn't go to graduate school, this shouldn't surprise me, but sometimes it still does. I always knew I loved Alaska, but assumed that school and work would call me elsewhere. Yet, here I am, and here I believe God wants me to stay. For the time being anyway!

5. My Relationships

The depth of relationship I have with some of my friends continually astounds me.

6. Saying Yes

Sometimes, I surprise myself with my continued "yes" to God. The amount of grace God has given me to say yes to Him is amazing. I am very grateful for it.

7. Joy

I have kept diaries fairly regularly since I was 9. I'm going to need an entire bookcase for them soon! Anyway, when I read my diaries from my teenage years, I am struck with how miserable I was. I was sad and guilty and depressed and deeply lonely. I am surprised sometimes by how much I genuinely find deep joy on a daily basis now. Praise to God alone for the healing He has done in my broken heart!

8. I Love Prayer

Growing up Baptist (no offense, guys), I always found prayer to be insanely boring. Now, I totally love it! I love spending time with God, seeking His face, praising Him, interceding for others, doing healing prayer ministry. I am surprised by the deep passion I have for prayer now. It is a gift from God that I cherish.

9. God's Love for Me and Patience with Me

I never stop being amazed at how much God puts up with from me. I am grumpy, moody, broken, ungrateful, and stubborn. Yet He continues to love me and draw me closer to Himself. It's really an astonishing thing.

10. That I Finished This List

Okay, that's a bit of a cheat, but I need to get to sleep now! :) I don't know enough bloggers to tag, so consider yourselves lucky!

Satan, Chaos, and Kingdom Seeking

2010-09-15T12:42:00.000-08:00

Satan and his cohorts are sneaky. For most of you, this is not some kind of crazy revelation. But sometimes I forget this. Sometimes I think I can see the enemy coming and I relax. I let down my guard. I lose focus. I've been in one of those times lately.

My life is mildly chaotic at the moment. And since chaos is pretty much opposite of the word "mild," I actually mean that my life feels crazy. In addition to the regular litany of busyiness (work, school, etc.), I am living at my parents at the moment. As much as I love them, trying to live with your parents as a 26 year old professional is... hard. So as I've been wrestling with the loss of my plans and trying to figure out what to do and where to live, I have lost a little focus.

In the midst of this chaos (and adding to it), I have been planning six days of continuous prayer at my church. This has been a dream of mine for a long time. Continuous prayer is a passion for me. I feel called to developing a rhythm of continuous prayer at my church. This is part of the reason I stepped down from leading our college and career group. I know that God has given me the green light for this after years of dreaming about it.

On Sunday, we announced it for the first time. Five people signed up. Out of 144 time slots, about ten are filled. And prayer starts on the 26th. I felt overwhelmed. Here I am obsessively hounding Craigslist for an apartment listing, trying to do my homework at some point, struggling to work out a "plan" for my internship for school, etc. etc. How am I supposed to devote more time to the prayer? Is it just going to crash and burn? I was about to crash and burn from the guilt I felt over what looked like me dropping the ball.

And then God began to whisper things to me. "Do not worry about what you will eat or what you will wear." "Why do you work for things that cannot save?" "Cast the vision!" Sometimes, the enemy has you so surrounded by petty distresses that it can be difficult to find your way out. I could hear God's voice and I knew something was horribly wrong in my heart, but how do I make the worry stop? How do I know what to prioritize?

I prayed to God that I trusted Him to open the doors for the living situation. A little better. Prayer is good. Then my friend called me full of ideas about how to do more promotion for 24/6 prayer this week. I wanted to scream at her! How can I do more? Your ideas are fantastic, but I'm drowning here! Shut up!!! I held my peace and listened to her, though, and I began to realize something huge. I had lost the vision. I had let my dream for continuous prayer be overwhelmed by the waves of circumstance. I had let the enemy steal my vision one worry at a time. As she poured out helpful ideas, I realized that I wasn't excited anymore. I saw this, my dream, as one more thing to worry about. How had I let the enemy take that from me?!

I went home after that conversation and started working on the ideas she had given me. I ignored Craigslist, I ignored homework, I ignored the television (oh, escape!). I designed handouts and sent out a million e-mails. I felt so much better!

The enemy is sneaky, but he is not creative. He surprises sometimes, but his tactics are always the same. Distract with idols. Whisper words of worry. Steal the dream. I refuse to be overwhelmed by the details of the chaos. I refuse to lose the dream. I refuse to live in misery when I ought to be living in joy.
So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. - Matthew 6:31-33

Thought of the Day #13: Who is Like Our God?

2010-08-30T12:40:00.001-08:00

Do not gloat over me, my enemy!
Though I have fallen, I will rise.
Though I sit in darkness,
the LORD will be my light.

Because I have sinned against him,
I will bear the LORD's wrath,
until he pleads my case
and establishes my right.
He will bring me out into the light;
I will see his righteousness.

Then my enemy will see it
and will be covered with shame,
she who said to me,
"Where is the LORD your God?"
My eyes will see her downfall;
even now she will be trampled underfoot
like mire in the streets.

...

Who is a God like you,
who pardons sin and forgives the transgression
of the remnant of his inheritance?
You do not stay angry forever
but delight to show mercy.

You will again have compassion on us;
you will tread our sins underfoot
and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea.

- From Micah 7

Daily Thought #12: Unity

2010-08-22T21:53:00.000-08:00

I was thinking today about unity. Why is it monstrously difficult for God's people to find unity? I remember hearing or reading something somewhere that when Jesus prayed the "high priestly prayer" in John 17 (excerpt below), He spoke a reality into being. It's something that has already happened, but we are living out the fulfilment of it. I'm not sure I totally understood the speaker, and I certainly don't know if I agree. Some days I wonder if there is any unity in the church. Why are we obsessed with picking each other apart doctrinally and stylistically? How do churches become One Church?

"My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one: I in them and you in me. May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me." - John 17:20-23

Monasticism

2010-08-20T13:08:00.001-08:00

It's been quite some time since my last post, I know. With school starting next week, I should be back on a regular schedule and posting a lot more often. That's the goal anyway!

Lately I've really been pondering God in my every day life. I keep wondering about that question, "Would a casual acquaintance of mine be surprised to learn that I go to church?" I honestly am not sure if that question is even a fair question, but it sort of captures the flock of thoughts flying around my head. What does it look like to live a life totally for Christ? Even on vacation lately, I was thinking about this. What am I doing on vacation that is honoring God? How am I different from every other visitor in this place?

One reason I've been thinking about this is that I've started attending prayer (Liturgy of the Hours) once a week at Holy Family Cathedral downtown with my friend Mindy. The monks there lead the liturgy every morning and every evening. I was inspired to download the liturgy to my iPhone (BTW, that alone was worth all the harassment of finally getting one). I listen to morning prayer (Lauds) every morning on my drive to work. I love knowing that I'm listening to psalms and prayers that have been special to Christians for hundreds of years, and that as I listen, others are literally praying these words somewhere else in the world. It's a really simple way to join in the body of Christ.

All of this immersion in the Catholic church (I've also finally attended Mass a couple of times now) has me thinking about the monastic lifestyle. Which is, of course, something that has been on my mind for years! But I feel like I'm getting a slightly different perspective on it now. The monastic lifestyle of prayer and work and hospitality just blows my mind. In many ways it's so totally what Jesus was preaching. (Side thought: in so many ways, it also fits the modern "hip" idea of a sustainable lifestyle!) The thought of waking up and going to prayer, breakfast, prayer, lunch, lots of work, dinner, prayer, draws my heart. It's such a beautiful rhythm that is totally centered around adoring God.

There are doctrines and practices in the Catholic church and its various expressions of monasticism with which I don't agree. I certainly won't be converting (sorry, Mindy!), but I feel like the protestant tradition I was raised in had lost so much of the beauty of God in the everyday life that things like the Liturgy of the Hours and daily Mass foster. All the personal prayer time with God in the world just isn't the same as joining with the voices of others in prayer to affirm the amazing truths God has revealed about Himself over time. Every morning, the benediction is Zechariah's prayer from Luke 1 and every morning I find myself encouraged by the promises it contains.

I find myself wanting more and more a life that looks different from others. I want a life that has nothing to do with TV shows or the latest trends or my career "accomplishments." Those are all good things, but even good things can be bad things when they distract from the better thing. Jesus is the better thing. God's love is the better thing. How do I make God such a central part of my life that other things don't stand a chance of distracting me?

I've always been drawn to the monastic lifestyle. I probably would have become a nun before noun if it weren't for those aforementioned doctrinal disagreements with the Catholic church! But I know that I don't have to join an Order to live a monastic lifestyle. That's why I'm so drawn to New Monasticism, I think. It's the promise of all that is great about traditional monasticism, but with a slightly different theology (not demanding lifelong celibacy for one!).

The more I follow God, the more I know He needs to be my everything. Yet, the less satisfied I somehow become with my efforts to place Him at the center of my life. Is that a holy dissatisfaction? And what is the next step in my lifelong quest to live for God and God alone? Where do I go from here?

Transition & Unrest

2010-07-18T11:11:00.000-08:00

I have had such a lot on my mind lately. So many things I could blog about and so little time. I'm going to be moving back in with my parents over the next two weeks, then going on vacation for a week and a half, and then hunting for a new place for Sept. 1. Not to mention classes start on August 23rd. This is definitely a time of transition for me, and part of me just wants to wake up and have it be Sept. 18th instead of July 18th. I would be settled into a new place with my regular work/class schedule. Unfortunately or fortunately, I have to live through this transition over the next two months instead!

In the midst of all this physical transition, I feel like God is doing some kind of heart transition with me, too. I'm honestly not sure what it is about. Peace is increasingly elusive. Peace in my time with God, peace in my relationships with others, peace in my day. I feel like I'm "killing time" and it unsettles me. Am I on the right path? The right path is supposed to bring peace in the midst of the storm, right? Isn't that one of the expressions of a living faith--to have peace and joy in the midst of the storm of life? So in my storm of transitions, why am I feeling so restless?

At the beginning of May, I stopped leading the "College & Career" group (Kairos) at my church. I knew that God was leading me away from being a leader there, and I am sure it was the right decision. Unfortunately, I really miss it! I have been struck by how little time I spend in community anymore. I used attend/lead Kairos weekly (it shut down completely in May), for nearly two years we had a prayer team that met every week. We planned events together; we went on retreats together; we worshiped God together. (The Heart of Worship series was amazing!) I miss all of that.

I still have plenty of friends, and most of them are actively pursuing God in their lives, but I miss having a group of friends who are actively pursuing God together, with common goals and projects. Slowly my friends have each been called their own way. Australia, women's ministry, building their relationships with others. We are still deep friends, but we are all friends turned in different directions.

I am wrestling with questions. Was that experience of community only for a time? So that each of us could taste of God's love and have the strength to follow our own path? Or has something been lost that should not have been lost? Do I need to find peace in this time, patiently waiting for the next community in my life, or am I supposed to embrace my unrest, letting it push me into the next step? What would that next step be?

Where do I go from here?

A Response to "Once Upon A Time"

2010-07-12T14:25:00.000-08:00

Thanks, Mindy, for posting a great response illustrating exactly what I was talking about in my last blog post!

Once Upon A Time

2010-07-10T23:15:00.000-08:00

I was tired this afternoon, so I swung by the video store on my way home and rented a couple romantic comedies. I love romantic comedies. To me, romantic comedies are like dessert, only without the calories. But, like a giant piece of turtle cheesecake might leave my stomach feeling a little worse for the consumption, sometimes romantic comedies leave me feeling a little off.

I was thinking tonight: is this what we, on some level, believe a relationship is about? Guy and girl hate each other, go on a series of misadventures, including at least one awkward situation where they have to pretend to be married and share the same bed, they each share a single deep dark secret of their past/heart, they "accidentally" kiss realizing they have chemistry, and badda-boom, badda-bing, an enduring romantic relationship is born. I give the view credit. I know that we don't really believe that those are the keys to the most amazing romance ever. But do we?

When Jesus said that we should love our neighbor as ourself, some wise guy asked, "Who's my neighbor?" And Jesus told the story of the Good Samaritan. When Jesus was trying to describe how much the Father values us, He told the story of the Prodigal Son. When I come to my mom with a problem, she often tells me a story of something that happened to her. Stories are powerful. We remember them. We think about them. Things in life remind us of stories. Stories become part of us, especially when we hear them repeatedly.

If 90% of romantic comedies are based on the same story (see above), then what is becoming part of us? What are we taking away from the story? Don't get me wrong here. I'm not judging romantic comedies, nor am I likely to stop watching them anytime soon (calorie-free dessert, people), but I really wonder what we believe. Do we believe that if we share one deep secret with someone, it forges some kind of deep bond? Do we believe that if I have some ridiculous adventure with someone, I know who he is or that I want to share the rest of my life with him?

Relationships are hard, but you wouldn't know that from most movie love stories. And while we all try to convince ourselves that we "know better" than the movies, stories have staying power. We build an apparent connection between ourselves and a distant person. Maybe the person is our crazy great aunt in a story our dad tells every Christmas. Or maybe the connection is to the idea that Mr. Right will find us if we just stumble around in our Louboutin high heels for long enough. I don't know. I don't have an answer. My question is simply: What do you believe about building a lasting relationship? What are the rules and where did you get them?

Wanting

2010-07-03T21:22:00.002-08:00

When I was little (up until 5th grade), I went to a tiny private school in the basement of a Baptist church. There were six kids in 1st-6th grade, including me. One year, at graduation, I won the "Servant's Heart" trophy. While it seems a tad ironic to me now, I did in fact get a little trophy that said that I had a heart for serving others. I used to help with everything when I was younger. If chairs needed to be set up, I was there. If someone needed to find scissors, I was your girl. I arrived early, I stayed late, I volunteered.

Having a servant's heart is a good thing and ought to be encouraged. But the main reason I served was really because I lived for the approval of others. I wanted the trophy and the compliments when adults told me I was such an amazing little helper. I needed the affirmation. I wanted the admiration. In some sense, I was lucky that I wanted something that was so encouraged in the church. I didn't have to be a rebel. By conforming, I could be petted and praised. In another sense, it was a terrible thing to behave in a way that was so glorified.

I'm not exactly sure how it happened. I'm not sure if someone ever said this directly or if it was just implied in somewhere along the way. I'm not sure if I absorbed it or if it just sort of naturally grew out of other things I learned. But somewhere along the line in my childhood, as I listened to sermons about serving others and putting others first, and as I was admired and petted for my own serving, I bought into a pretty crazy big lie. I bought into the lie that it's not okay to want.

What do you want to be when you grow up? What do you want in a guy? What do you want for Christmas? They are common questions, but as many times as I was asked them, I never knew the answers. Desire is a strange creature, sometime with a life of its own. The problem with the lie I learned is that instead of actually figuring out what I wanted and dealing with it, I simply buried it. I pushed it down, put it away, locked it up, and told myself All I want is to hear the "Well done, my good and faithful servant" of God when I arrive in Heaven. That's all I wanted. I want nothing else but to serve God and to serve others. That's all I want.

The crazy thing is that that's true! I do want to get to Heaven and know that I lived my life faithful to God, loving Him and loving others. The problem is, that's not the only thing I want. By focusing on the overarching "good" desire, I have ignored all the other desires. Ignoring, stuffing, blocking a desire does not make it go away, however. It often just coats the desire in bitterness or forces it to grow under pressure until it explodes. Denying the existence of a desire is not the way to deal with it.

I think I'm finally starting to figure out that desires are just part of being human. God made us with the capacity and the nature to want things. What we should ultimately want is God and nothing else. But we are imperfect and we learn how to want God through dealing with the desires of this life. I have to stop ignoring my desires and instead face them. I need to name them, examine them, ask where they came from, and question whether they line up with God's truth.

Shot-blocking desire only frustrates my soul and does more harm than good. Loving God first and others second is the greatest commandment. But that does not exclude desires of my own heart. Many desires come from God. I knew that, but somehow didn't connect that with the fact that I also believed desires were inherently bad if they weren't immediately apparent as a desire for God first.

It is okay to want things. It's okay to feel desire. Name it, examine it, figure out what to do with it. What an obvious and yet surprisingly hard lesson for me to learn!

Love Demands: Humility

2010-06-08T12:53:00.002-08:00

It seems that humility is one of the most obvious yet least understood or practiced aspects of love. In fact, I'm not sure you can even call it an aspect of love. Love and humility are actually interchangeable concepts in many ways. They are synonymous.

Humility is placing others needs/well-being before your own. It is recognizing who you truly are in order to cease from demanding that everyone else recognize your greatness or your accomplishments or your personness. Instead of demanding that others see them, humble people see others. Do you see how that works together with love? It's almost like they are opposite sides of the same coin.

Humility is not a popular concept. It is often mistaken for weakness. We live in a country that values "justice" and the "rights" of the people. But humility often asks us to give up our perceived "rights." It asks us to turn the other cheek instead of pursuing our own revenge (justice). Jesus is, as always, our best example of this. How many of us would stand silent in the face of people accusing us of doing something we didn't do? How many of us would take on the position of a slave toward another person who was of a lower social status than us? Would you?

Love demands humility because love recognizes that God is God, sovereign above all others. Love then sees God in others. Love looks at God's promises to us, holds on them, and then asks no one else to fulfill them.

Love demands humility because love recognizes that people are broken and beautiful. Love sees who a person truly is and doesn't demanding that he or she try to be someone or something else. Love places others' well-being before its own. Love has grace for everyone. Love means that we can encourage and correct others because we see each other as God's beloved children. Correction can only be given and received effectively when it is enveloped in humility.

Love demands humility because love recognizes that I am broken and beautiful. Love means that I know I am a child of the living God, an heir of Heaven with Jesus. Love means that I know that I am a sinner, worse than all other sinners, living each breath only through the gracious gift of God.

Is there any encouragement from belonging to Christ? Any comfort from his love? Any fellowship together in the Spirit? Are your hearts tender and compassionate? Then make me truly happy by agreeing wholeheartedly with each other, loving one another, and working together with one mind and purpose.

Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too.

You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had.

Though he was God,
he did not think of equality with God
as something to cling to.
Instead, he gave up his divine privileges;
he took the humble position of a slave
and was born as a human being.
When he appeared in human form,
he humbled himself in obedience to God
and died a criminal’s death on a cross.

Therefore, God elevated him to the place of highest honor
and gave him the name above all other names,
that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,
in heaven and on earth and under the earth,
and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord,
to the glory of God the Father.

Philippians 2:1-11

Love Demands: Vulnerability

2010-05-18T13:03:00.001-08:00

What do you think when you hear the word vulnerable? I feel like vulnerability has a large number of negative connotations around it. Achilles was vulnerable in his heel. The failing economy leaves people vulnerable to any number of things. Children are unable to protect themselves and are vulnerable. What we usually mean when we say vulnerable is weak. There is a hole in the armor, an unlocked door, a poorly protected area, someplace that may succumb to attack.

We like strength in America. Strength of hands, strength of character, strength of passion. Weakness is bad. But Paul wrote something in 2 Corinthians that I think we still fail to understand all these two thousand years later: When I am weak, then I am strong. He says this in response to something God said to him: "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." God's power is made perfect in our weakness. In God's eyes, weakness is actually good. Because we realize our dependency. It's hard to be weak and proud simultaneously. We have to let go of doing something in our own strength and let God give us the strength.

As we live life, we are constantly being hurt by others. Parents, friends, siblings, and romances often bring us pain. We have two ways to respond to this pain: defense or dealing with it. Most of us choose the "defense" response. We build walls. We carefully section off parts of our hearts and souls and say, "No one else can see this." We say, "I will give this much of myself, but no more." We say, "I will never let myself feel this way again."

The other response--dealing with the pain--is hard. It requires prayer, loving friends/counselors, and overcoming the natural self-protection instinct. In order to deal with the pain, we have to stare it in the face and feel it, then let go of it. We have to let God be our strength. We have to let Him be our wall. It's hard. More than that, if we don't build our wall of protection, we will be open to being hurt again. Maybe repeatedly.

Love is demanding, and one of the things love demands is vulnerability. We cannot love and be loved if our heart is walled in. There must be a way for love to get in and out. Those same walls we build to protect ourselves from the bad, also block out the good. In order to love, we must remain vulnerable. We have to choose to show the parts of ourselves that make us feel like an overturned armadillo, soft underbelly exposed. We have to be honest and open and even weak.

Don't get me wrong here. I'm not saying that you need to go bare your deepest secrets to the entire world. But if you choose to engage in a real, serious, loving relationship with someone (platonic or romantic), then at some point you will have to choose vulnerability over self-protection. You will have to choose to let them see you. You will have to choose to be seen. If you don't, love will not flow freely.

I wonder sometimes how Jesus must have felt when he saw Peter across the courtyard. His best friend, who all-to-recently had said Jesus was the Christ, the Messiah. Peter had seen Jesus. He recognized the depth of who Jesus was. Jesus had shared even the most intimate moments of prayer in the Garden with him. Jesus had been open and honest and vulnerable. Then Jesus looked across the courtyard, saw Peter's face, and knew. He knew that even after all that, Peter had turned his back on Him. Can you imagine the pain?

Love will often bring pain. To keep loving, we have to be willing to keep feeling the pain. I love Misty Edwards' lyrics in her songs. There's one that keeps coming back to me as I write this:

He had arms wide open, a heart exposed
Arms wide open; He was bleeding, bleeding
Love’s definition, love’s definition was looking at me
Looking at Him, hanging on a tree
I began to weep and weep and weep and weep

At what appeared to be Jesus' weakest moment, surrounded by scorners, bleeding physically and emotionally and spiritually, God's strength was shown to be infinitely powerful. Heaven and earth were reconciled in an abundance of pain and suffering as Jesus cried, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"

We must be soft, weak, vulnerable. For only then can we love truly and deeply. Only then can God's power be made perfect. Love demands vulnerability.

The Demands of Love

2010-05-15T15:28:00.001-08:00

I've been reading Bold Love lately. It's a pretty good book, although I'm not far enough into it to make a real statement of its content. But it really has me thinking about love in general. I was thinking about love and the relationship between love and forgiveness and selflessness. Suddenly, I realized: love is demanding. True love demands much. The thing about true love, however, is that it demands much not of the beloved, but of the lover. To love someone is a demanding thing. Yet, I wonder how many of us completely miss the demands of love and long for only the rewards? There are a lot of reasons that we miss the fullness of love.

One reason is that in our American culture, everything is quick, easy, and disposable. I think we like to flatter ourselves that we don't have those expectations of love, but I think we are just lying to ourselves. In a country of over 300,000,000, the fact is that there are always more fish in the sea. If we have hard relationships, there isn't much to keep us moving forward, when there are millions upon millions of other people to be around. I can go to the bar or sign up for a club or get a new job to meet new people. If all else fails, there's speed dating or eHarmony. The divorce rate is roughly 50%, and I wonder how that statistic will change when my grandparents' generation dies off. When everything is fast, quick, and easy, what is to motivate us to do the hard work of actually loving someone?

Another reason we miss the demands of love is our own brokenness. Love requires that we put aside our selves and give to another, but we can't do that when we are blinded and captive to the pain of our own wounds. When I am carrying the weight of disappointment and bitterness and doubt because of my past, how can I possibly meet the demanding nature of love? Love can demand all it wants of me, but I am unable to give more than I have. In order to love well, we must first find healing from all the ways that love has hurt us and wounded us in our past.

I think the final reason we fail to truly love others is our own selfishness and sinfulness. Love is demanding and we don't like it. We justify our unforgiveness, our bitterness, and our walled-in hearts. We point to all the legitimate reasons why we shouldn't have to love selflessly. We refuse to be humbled by our own lack. We refuse to extend grace to others. We throw a tantrum of self-righteous indignation. It's just so much easier and so much less painful to only think about ourselves. Or so it would seem.

In our sin, in our pain, in our desire for ease and comfort, we miss out. We only love to a point. When love becomes demanding, we walk away, or we shut it down, or we ignore it. Love demands that we not shy away from pain. It demands that we stare injustice and unfairness in the face and then forgive anyway. Love demands so many things of the lover that I think I'm going to write an entire series of blog posts about it. What has love demanded of you?

The Wisdom of Nike

2010-05-05T21:34:00.000-08:00

There was a time in my life when I doubted pretty much all my decisions. I would agonize over making the decision, and then doubt myself after making it. I used to pray that God would shut the door if it was the wrong decision or clearly tell me if it was the right one. I was always looking for signs to help me be confident that I had the right path.

Then I actually learned to hear God's voice. I began to understand what it sounds like and feels like when God asks me to do something. I began to recognize when God was prompting me to action. It was really amazing. But somehow, even since I began to recognize the voice of the Shephard, I am still be plagued by doubt and questions. I used to think that my doubtful attitude was actually good. That the constant questioning showed how much I truly wanted to make the "right" decision, to choose what Jesus would have done. But that's not how Jesus operated at all:

As the time approached for him to be taken up to heaven, Jesus resolutely set out for Jerusalem. - Luke 9:51 (NIV)

I actually prefer the King James here:

And it came to pass, when the time was come that he should be received up, he stedfastly set his face to go to Jerusalem.

I've always loved that phrase. Jesus set his face to go to Jerusalem. He turned his face in that direction and he never turned aside. He heard the father's voice, he learned the plan, and he went. Despite the fact that his closest friends and companions thought he was crazy. Despite the fact that he knew he was walking into the fire. He set his face and he went.

It's good to analyze what we hear to make sure it's God. We should pray about and confirm that it lines up with Scripture, and talk about it with a wise friend or two. But if you feel like what you are hearing really is God, set your face and go. Don't analyze and second guess and doubt.

I think there is a fear of being wrong. A fear that maybe we didn't hear correctly. For me, this fear usually crops up when I wish God would tell me something different. Maybe if I just ask Him for the 100th time to show me, what He's showing me will change. Other times the fear is that I'm hearing what I want to hear. I'm afraid that I'm just making it up and that it's actually some kind of giant mistake.

God doesn't ask us to follow Him fearlessly. He doesn't demand that we believe 100% before we act or before He fulfills His promises. What He does demand is obedience. Jesus said:

"No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God." - Luke 9:61-62

Obeying God can be terrifying. Jesus sweat blood in the stress of what God was asking Him to do. Obeying God can be hard. Maybe not a single one of our friends will agree. Maybe we will look completely insane. But God demands obedience. He demands commitment. If you have discerned a command or a call from God, set your hand to the plow and don't look back. Don't let the questions of others make you look over your shoulder in worry. Just do it.

How God is like a Mountain

2010-04-25T08:40:00.003-08:00

Despite having lived in Alaska my entire life, I am constantly stopped and awed by how beautiful the mountains are. I was on a walk under clear blue skies yesterday with my friend, Mariah, and one or the other of us marked again the mountains' beauty. Then Mariah said, "Isn't it funny how nobody says, 'Gosh, the mountains are ugly today'?" I've never heard anyone call them ugly. They are beautiful. It's just what they are. What amazes me is that their beauty never stops being arresting. I never get tired of seeing the sun gleaming off snowy peaks, or the misty clouds gathered around the green and the steep rock faces. Almost every day, I notice how beautiful the mountains are.

To me, the mountains are like God. I know that God is there and that He is good and faithful and loving. But I never stop being amazed at the depth of His love or the consistency of His faithfulness. It is unchanging. It is remarkable. It stops me in my tracks sometimes when I catch an unexpected glimpse of who He is.

I participated in a special healing prayer weekend at my church yesterday. I had the great joy of praying for two of my friends, and I got to see new snapshots of who God is. He is gentle, and loving, and longs to be with us, longs to love us. I am once more shocked and amazed at how good God is. He genuinely wants to reach out and wipe to the tears from our eyes, to help us cast off our burdens of unforgiveness and bitterness, to free us from the net of lies that the enemy has woven around our lives. He created us for freedom, and He longs to set us free. Isn't that amazing? Doesn't it just blow your mind to think about a God who is like that?

One think I've learned is that I can't make someone else appreciate the mountains. I can't talk anyone into seeing how gorgeous the mountains are. They have to see it for themselves. Sometimes people who come from other places are overwhelmed by the mountains. The mountains make them feel small and insignificant. Sometimes people see the mountains as the outdoors, something to which they have never felt any connection, and they long to have the mountains blocked by city skyrises or palm trees. The mountains are beautiful. But each person's eyes have to be opened to the beauty for him- or herself.

God is so very good. But all the wisdom of man will not enable me to convince a single person that God is good. Each person must experience God's goodness for him- or herself. Paul, when writing to the Corinthians, talks about how he came to them not with the wisdom of man, but with the power of God, "so that your faith might not rest on men's wisdom, but on God's power." Sometimes I would do well to remember to bring people before God and let Him show them Himself, instead of trying to convince the person that God is good.

Being Honest about Being Single

2010-04-10T22:06:00.006-08:00

I've posted a lot about being single--many rants about how the church needs to just support their single people and stop treating us like our life wont' start until we're married. Seriously. My roommate is moving to Turkey (so cool!), and she had a "Christian" lady e-mail her and tell her she shouldn't go because how could she find a husband in Turkey? I'm not even making that up. But that's actually not my point tonight.

I turned 26 in December. Not exactly old, but I did enter the "dark side" of the 20s. I have to confess that I had an epic meltdown on my birthday. I think my friends were seriously concerned for my well-being. And the next day, when I was coherent enough to ask, "What the heck just happened?" I realized something. Something slightly embarrassing and completely surprising. Despite all my ranting and raving and support of happy singlehood, I never actually thought I'd be 26 and single.

It's true. I proclaimed merrily that I would be content to be single for the rest of my life and expounded the positives of being single and said I didn't have any time for a relationship anyway (still true!). Yet, in the end, when my birthday came, I ended up bawling ALL EVENING in this really messy puddle of tears and confusion. I'm smart, I'm decently pretty, I love God. Why am I still so totally and completely single?

Sometimes I think, "My best friends could move away. What if Mariah gets married and moves to Florida? Or John and Erika actually do become missionaries to China like they sometimes talk about?" The question is: who is committed to doing life with me, no matter what? Do I get to have someone who won't move away? I know God won't move away, but...

I adore my freedom. I love my life. I seriously have a deep joy in who I am and my community and most especially in my God. But I helped this little kid get un-stuck on the rock wall at the gym the other day and I thought, "Do I ever get to have my own kid?" My best single-friend Mariah is now dating someone and figuring out what that looks like for her. And I wonder, "Do I ever get to try to find the balance between romance and friends?"

Life is not easy. Some days I resort to my recurring fantasy of being a hermitess. But the truth is this: I love life. I love people. I love God. My life doesn't always look like I want it to look. My choices are not always between double positives of rainbows and unicorns. My joy is deep and lasting, but my happiness is not always constant. I trust God deeply, but I still have questions. I adore the freedom of being single, but sometimes I get very lonely.

Even weirder than Christians who think that life doesn't start before marriage and kids (countless) are those people who look at single people with envy. They feel "trapped" by marriage and family and idolize their single friends as some kind of carefree and happy James Bond adventurers. Because being single is all daisies and chocolate cake.

I'm not sure what exactly I wanted to convey in this post, except that things are rarely black and white. Paul wrote that it is good to be single, but that most people ought to get married. Jesus said that some are born eunuchs, some are made eunuchs, and some choose to be eunuchs for God. But the understanding is that eunuchs are still the odd ones out. I love being single. I love have the freedom to treat my friends to dinner, to decide how I will spend every minute of my day, and to let God be everything to me in my life. And yet some days I am lonely and I hate being single.

Don't be pigeonholed into thinking that something is one way or that life won't start until A or B happens. Don't hang your happiness on a future event that may or may not happen. Life is messy. Growing involves pain. Many wonderful things also bring hard things with them. The point of life is to know and love God. Single, married, with kids, without kids, smart, barely-graduated, have it all, have nothing. Don't be distracted by the haves and have nots. The point of life is to know and love God.

Letting Go (Again)

2010-04-03T20:13:00.005-08:00

Passion Prayer ends tomorrow morning at 8am. It's too early to say for sure, but it seems to be a pretty good success so far. No middle-of-the-night problem phone calls at least! I took before pictures of the prayer room and I'll take after pictures in the morning. I'm excited to see it!

This whole thing has been an interesting lesson. I've put a lot of time and energy and thought into planning it. Then, when it came to 8:30 on Thursday (it started at 9pm), I kind of realized there was nothing more to do. I just went home and went to bed while people began praying. All my planning and all my hovering ended. I had to simply walk away and let it happen.

There was a minor incident on Friday as well that had to be cleared up. I'm not going to go into details. But the minor thing really upset me. And I realized once more that I simply had to let go. I had to let go of my expectations and my desires and my plan of how things would look and give it back to God. I've prayed repeatedly that this whole thing will be for God's glory. Which means I have to let God run it!

I think about how controlling I used to be. There's this Christmas video from eons ago that I'm heartily ashamed of now. In it, my young self (maybe 13?) nabs family member's presents away from them on Christmas morning because they aren't opening them fast enough! Trying to force things to happen my way has long been a struggle for me. I've disliked change, I've disliked feelings, I've disliked anything that is hard or impossible to control. I still struggle with trying to control people and situations and life. But God has taught me lesson after lesson about letting go. He constantly asks me to let go of something else, something bigger. Even now, in Passion Prayer planning and execution, I am constantly being reminded not to hold on to tightly.

I am so terrifically grateful that I am not God. My sinful, fearful, broken nature tries to be too often. But the more I give things up to God, the happier and more peaceful I feel. Trying to be in control is exhausting. Realizing you're not and letting God be in control is hard. You have to learn to trust God. But once you do, once you understand that God loves you and wants the best for you, letting Him take the reigns is completely freeing. I have learned that lesson, but I continue to learn it, and I will continue to learn it for a long time. Again and again, I die to myself and my control and acknowledge that God is God.

Our God sent His Son, His own self, to die for us because He loved us. How easy it ought to be to trust Him! How difficult it actually is. But it is right and fulfilling and rewarding to trust that a God who loves us that much will take care of us, each and every day of our lives.

The Point of Life

2010-03-27T11:56:00.005-08:00

Starting Thursday, the first continuous prayer event in my church will be taking place. I have been busy and crazy trying to get everything organized for it. Trying to figure out how to make a dream a reality is pretty intense!

In the midst of all of the planning, I have of course been plagued by the usual questions. Is this dream from me or from God? What if no one signs up? What if it happens and no one thinks it's much of a big deal? What if it rocks people's worlds? What are my motives here anyway? Do I want to glorify God? I have honestly been searching the motives of my heart this morning. Why do I care so much about 24-7 prayer? Why have I not let go of this dream in over two years?

My life looked very different a few years ago. I was a completely different person coming out of college than I am now. I lived in a world where I often felt victimized and helpless, where I felt that my worth depended on my performance, where I was terrified to love people because I was terrified of being hurt. I thought I knew who I was, but I had no idea. My family was marvellous growing up, and I love them, but no family is perfect. Even an amazing family can't prevent you from being broken and confused along life's path. I was broken and confused.

In the midst of my brokenness, I stepped into a community of Christians who totally loved me. They weren't perfect. They failed. Some of them broke my heart. But some of them committed to loving me in a way that made it okay for me to admit that I was a mess. They loved me even when I knew I was ugly and mean. They pointed out the things about myself that I had never seen. More than any of these things, they pushed me, prodded me, and drove me headlong after God. I saw people who had a relationship with God that I didn't recognize. It was real. It changed things. It changed lives. It wasn't about disciplining yourself into looking like a Christian "should" look. It was about meeting a God, who, when you met Him, would change everything. Every part of you would be affected because you just met the Creator of the entire universe and heard Him say, "You are my favorite!"

It is impossible to honestly meet God and not change. Either you will reject Him and grow in bitterness and hardness of heart or you will accept Him and let light into your darkness. God is reaching out to everyone in every way, longing to show each person Himself. Longing to love them and to teach them how to love Him, how to love others, and how to love themselves.

Why is 24-7 prayer important to me? Because I have met a God who is bigger than all the mess and all the pain and all the temptation in this entire world. Because I have met a God who loves me beyond understanding. How could I not want that for others? I long for a place that is so filled with constant praise, adoration, confession, intercession, that even a person who has never met God will step into the room and be wrapped in God's loving arms. I long for a place where a weary person can come for an hour and leave feeling restored. I long for a place where people are healed merely by resting in the powerful presence of God.

This is my prayer for Passion Prayer next week. I pray that the Holy Spirit shows up in the tiny little triangle of a prayer room in my church, and that over the course of 55 hours, people meet God. If even one person really meets God, it would be worth all the hours of stress and craziness or organizing. If only one person walks away and says, "God is good. God is faithful. God loves me more than anything," then I will rejoice at the great miracle God has done. Because to know God is the point of life.

Sing with Me

2010-03-15T09:10:00.005-08:00

Have you ever had one of those days where you are humming along through life and you suddenly run smack into the glass door of your own sin? I had one of those days yesterday.

I was complaining about something in my life and my friend called me out on my attitude. I was completely defensive. Suddenly, I realized that I was two years old again, throwing a fit because "I want" and I can't have.

Of course, I'm old enough now to know that what I want is actually a really good thing. I justify my little temper tantrum by saying that what I want is what matters and by being offended that I can't have what is good. I tell God that I'm not asking to win the lottery or to have a new shiny thing. I want what matters eternally, so really, why can't I have it? Huh? What's so wrong with that desire anyway?

Ugh. Sometimes my heart is really a yucky place. The song playing on my radio right now is "Hallelujah! Our God reigns!" And I would agree with that. Hallelujah that no matter how yucky I can be, I have a God who IS love and mercy and grace. That He has given me friends who will call me out on my sin. That He forgives that sin. That He helps me last a little longer next time before running into the glass door again. In fact, He has slowly painted in the doors of sin in my life. Some of them I can see from a long way off now. But there are still those that I have very carefully cleaned to spotless clarity. Hallelujah that when I fall down, He will pick me up again and help me to paint the door so I won't smash my face next time. What an amazing God!

Name above all names

You are worthy of all praise

And my heart will sing

How great is our God!

A Confession

2010-03-13T09:40:00.001-09:00

I have a confession to make. Maybe it will sound silly, I don't know. Nevertheless, it's true. My confession is that I really love clothes. I really love clothes. God has really been talking to me about this and I'm feeling a little confused and mixed up at the moment. Sometimes blogging about it helps.

First, I don't think it's bad to love clothes. God gave me a spirit that is sensitive to asthetics. I love decorating and clothing. Seeing a beautiful fabric can make my day. I often describe fabric stores as art museums. Silks and velvets and beautifully printed cottons. Putting together colors and textures is really rewarding and exciting for me. I also love fashion, especially historic fashion. I used to be so steeped in fashion history that I could pinpoint the date of any photograph within 3 years based entirely on the clothes. I love looking at fashion magazines and websites and seeing how people creatively put together outfits. Clothing to me is a creative expression.

Second, my family was really poor when I was little. Every stitch of clothing I owned came as a gift, a hand-me-down, or from the thrift store. Seriously, I never even entered Wal-Mart until I was 12. When you grow up like that, your idea of "cheap" vs "expensive" is a lot different than other people's. I still seriously pause and consider if I'm going to spend more than $20 on any item of clothing. I shop almost entirely off of clearance racks. My clothing budget is something like 2.5% of my income. Not that I always stay in budget, of course...

I think somewhere between the first and second fact, I let a lie creep in. The idea was that if I don't spend a lot of money on clothes, than I'm fine. I mean, I'm no Confessions of a Shopaholic with $16,000 in credit card debt and high-end designer clothing. But God asked me to do something recently. I was trying to figure out what to give up for Lent and I had this random inspiration that I should give up purchasing clothing or jewelry or other "frivolous" type items. So that's what I've been doing. And I'm beginning to realize just how often I buy stuff I really don't need. I spend a lot of time on my grocery trips to Fred Meyer just popping into the clearance racks and buying $3 earrings or an $8 shirt. I'm actually doing a lot better than a few years ago. (I definitely gave up "retail therepy" a while ago which I had been dependent on.) I spend a lot of time surfing clothing catalogs online looking for deals.

I think my problem is twofold: 1) I buy a ton of stuff I don't need. 2) I then tell myself that's not a problem, because I buy it all on the cheap. If I'm not going into debt, then it's not a problem, right? I realize now that I'm judging my own actions by comparing them to the world around me. How often do we do that? "I'm okay because really, I'm not nearly as bad as those people over there."

To some who were confident of their own righteousness and looked down on everybody else, Jesus told this parable: "Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. The Pharisee stood up and prayed about himself: 'God, I thank you that I am not like other men—robbers, evildoers, adulterers—or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get.'

"But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, 'God, have mercy on me, a sinner.'

"I tell you that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted." - Luke 18:9-14

I don't know where the balance lies. I know that I cannot deny the part of me that God made to appreciate beauty. Dressing all in black is not going to solve my problem. I do know that the first step lies in not comparing myself to others. God looks at the heart, not the action. What is my motivation in buying so much needless stuff? Just because it's cheap needless stuff or less stuff than the person next to me is completely and totally irrelevant. The question is why my heart is focused on it. Is my heart totally God's? Am I buying stuff to fill a hole that God should be in? Or because I genuinely see the beauty of God's creation? Am I walking humbly with my God, or following Him on the outside while rotting away with pride on the inside?

Signs & Wonders & Questions

2010-03-06T22:01:00.005-09:00

I've really been wrestling with some ideas over the past few weeks. I recently watched "Finger of God," a documentary about miracles. It was exciting, challenging, crazy, and weird. My mixed up reaction captures the struggle I have been feeling. How do we know what is of God and what isn't? Some of the miracles I find easy to believe (healing a homeless man's leg) and some I find rather dubious (jewels appearing in people's hands).

I hear a particular phrase a lot in charismatic circles, "signs and wonders." People are constantly asking that the Spirit will move in power with signs and wonders. I believe in signs and wonders.

"Believe me when I say that I am in the Father and the Father is in me; or at least believe on the evidence of the miracles themselves. I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing. He will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father. And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Son may bring glory to the Father." - John 14:11-13

So Paul and Barnabas spent considerable time there, speaking boldly for the Lord, who confirmed the message of his grace by enabling them to do miraculous signs and wonders. - Acts 14:3

Seems simple, right? People who follow Jesus will do greater things than He did. They will be enabled to do miraculous signs and wonders. But...

"Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. Many will say to me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?' Then I will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!'" - Matthew 7:21-23

So how do you know? How do you know when a sign and wonder is of God or of man or of the enemy? Can I say, "This is God. That is just emotionalism and the power of suggestion. And that is the work of Satan."? Are the boundaries already there?

I've been watching a lot of streaming live video from IHOP these days. The 24-7 worship is really encouraging to me. And they experience many manifestations of the Sprit (shaking, tongues, etc.). Much of it I have no problem with, but some of it bothers me. Sometimes I really feel like it switches from a true move of God into emotional chaos. But sometimes it's totally just straight up God and I know it.

I was talking to my roommate about this tonight. She is very wise! She said maybe we aren't supposed to ever have a total answer. Maybe it's impossible to know it all clearly in this life. Maybe, just maybe, when we think we have it all figured out is when we get ourselves into trouble.

Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. - I Corinthians 13:12

Throughout history Christians have split over believing that something is from God or not. In the last century the idea of speaking in tongues split many churches. Some said, "Unless you speak in tongues, you aren't a Christian." Some said, "Speaking in tongues is from Satan; it is not God." Maybe the fact is that both God and the enemy perform signs and wonders. Maybe the fact is that when we think we have it figured out, we stop testing.

Do not put out the Spirit's fire; do not treat prophecies with contempt. Test everything. Hold on to the good. Avoid every kind of evil. - I Thessalonians 5:19-22

I'm not supposed to put out the Spirit's fire, so I need to be open things I don't understand. But I'm also not supposed to believe in lies. Sometimes I know that a particular sign is God. The Spirit in me connects with God. But that doesn't mean that every similar sign will be God. It doesn't mean that I can tell people that every similar sign they experience is God. Maybe the point is to wrestle. If I think I know the answer, I don't need to seek God's face. When I recognize I have no idea what the answer is, then I seek God's face. "God is this You? What do You think? Am I in Your will here?"

Maybe the answer is that we can't classify "This sign is always God. This wonder is never God." Maybe every day in every way I have to go back to the Source and ask Him what He is doing today. Maybe instead of boxing God into or out of something, I need to test it against His word and seek His face in prayer. Maybe testing everything is the answer.

Now the Bereans were of more noble character than the Thessalonians, for they received the message with great eagerness and examined the Scriptures every day to see if what Paul said was true. - Acts 17:11

Witnessing

2010-02-27T14:10:00.000-09:00

There's this term that was thrown around a lot in the Baptist church I grew up in: witnessing. The idea was that you told non-Christians that they needed God and hopefully convinced them to agree with you. Sometimes this would be family members, sometimes this would be going door-to-door and talking to strangers. But always, letting people know that they need God. The danger is, of course, deeply offending people.

There's been a strong movement within the church in recent years (how many, I don't know) to have a more relational style of witness. To make friends with people and hope that as they see you and your relationship with God, they will be intrigued enough to want it for themselves. The idea is that through relationship people will be more receptive to the idea that they need God. The danger is that the people will simply like being our friend and not really care about the God aspect of our life.

I've really been struggling with the idea of witness lately. Jesus very clearly tells His disciples that they need to witness (carry the gospel) to all parts of the earth. We are supposed to tell people that the need God. Where is the balance between honestly and openly telling people they need God and loving them in relationship?

I know when I have a question like this, I need to go back to Jesus life. What did He do? What did His life look like? It's interesting because He spent a lot of time telling people that the Kingdom of God is at hand and teaching. And those moments are recorded for us. I open my Bible and all the words of Jesus are words of teaching and honest openness with people about their needs.

Yet, how many times are there comments like, "Jesus was at dinner when this little event happened." The event is recorded. The "teachable moment" was used for teaching. But what the heck were they talking about before and after that? What did it look like when Jesus came over for dinner? He cannot have been boring, right? I mean, people wouldn't invite a boring, know-it-all to dinner. He must have been warm and engaging and friendly. He probably told jokes. I want to read a transcript of dinner with Jesus!

I still have no idea where the balance is. I know it's easy to err on the side of being afraid of offending people, but I know it's also easy to err on the side of carelessly walking all over people. How do we witness to people? How do we love them and tell them to repent for the kingdom of God is at hand?

Worst of Sinners

2010-02-20T12:14:00.000-09:00

This week, I have been deeply pondering two scriptures:

Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on him and receive eternal life. - I Timothy 1:15-16

Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins. - James 4:17

It has always boggled my mind a little that Paul considered himself the worst of sinners. I mean, sure he used to be Saul and persecute the Christians, but shouldn't it read, "of whom I was the worst"? How, after all of the amazing churches he had helped to establish, and all the amazing letters he had written, and all the amazing people he had discipled, could he still consider himself the worst of sinners?

Having recently re-read I Timothy, I was thinking about this again, and suddenly God reminded me of that verse from James. I actually prefer the King James Version here:

Therefore, to him who knoweth to do good and doeth it not, to him it is sin. - James 4:17

If I know what the good thing is, and I don't do it, my lack of good becomes sin. Once I know what is good, I lose the excuse of not knowing better. Once I know what is good, my choice not to do good is, in effect, willfully choosing to sin.

The past two months, God has allowed me a beautiful time of living in and rejoicing in my healing. I have been able to look back and see how far He has brought me. I have rejoiced in my ability to conquer feelings and temptations that used to fell me. I have rested in how much more I trust Him to rule in my life. But there is a hazard in living in this place of confidence--the hazard of pride, of thinking that I've come "far enough."

Blessedly, I have prayed too hard in my lifetime for God to keep me humble. The past two weeks, He has been showing me many, many places in my life where I need Him. I have been struggling in places where I never noticed a struggle before. I have been struck by the realization of areas of my life where I have stuff to deal with and where I don't trust God to reign.

I realize that my growth has been a double-edged sword. It has given me cause to rejoice, and it has shown me places where I know to do good, but I'm not doing it. I am seeing how my growth has brought a heavy weight of responsibility with it. I am now responsible for diving deeper and deeper into healthy living. When I am sulky and cross and unforgiving, I have no excuse. My choices to sin, my lack of doing good, they are more willful, more disobedient.

There is a passage in Life Together that blew my mind when I first read it:

If my sinfulness appears to me to be in any way smaller or less detestable in comparison with the sins of others, I am still not recognizing my sinfulness at all. My sin is of necessity the worst, the most grievous, the most reprehensible. Brotherly love will find any number of extenuations for the sins of others; only for my sin is there no apology whatsoever. Therefore my sin is the worst. He who would serve his brother in the fellowship must sink all the way down to these depths of humility. How can I possibly serve another person in unfeigned humility if I seriously regard his sinfulness as worse than my own?

To him who knows to do good, and does it not, to him it is sin. The more God heals me, the deeper my sin and disobedience run! It is both a terrifying and a beautiful thought. It reminds me that even as I heal more and more, I need God just as much as the day when I didn't know Him at all. I am in the same need of Christ as the prostitute or the swindler. I cannot live life on my own. I cannot be blameless without Him. All my worthiness, all my value, comes from Christ.
But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display His unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on Him and receive eternal life.

Truth in Any Way

2010-02-17T11:44:00.001-09:00

Toward the end of 2008, there was a big controversy over a worship song from Planet Shakers. It was supposed to have been written by a man about his struggle with cancer, only then it was revealed that he had never had cancer. The song was removed from the album and Christians around the world fought and bickered and cried over the disappointment. It is a beautiful song.

I believe You're my Healer

I believe You are all I need

I believe You're my Portion

I believe You're more than enough for me

Jesus, You're all I need

Recently, I ran across a verse from Paul that made me pause and think of this song.

It is true that some preach Christ out of envy and rivalry, but others out of goodwill. The latter do so in love, knowing that I am put here for the defense of the gospel. The former preach Christ out of selfish ambition, not sincerely, supposing that they can stir up trouble for me while I am in chains. But what does it matter? The important thing is that in every way, whether from false motives or true, Christ is preached. And because of this I rejoice. - Philippians 1:15-18

What does it matter? The important thing is that in every way... Christ is preached. I wonder how often we refuse to recognize the preaching of Christ because it does not come from a "right" place. We judge people's motives and then we discount their words based on our judgment. But truth is truth is truth, whether it is spoken from right motives or false and whether the speaker believes it or not.

What if we miss the truth because we are too busy wondering about the heart of the speaker--too busy judging? What does it matter? The important thing is that in every way, whether from false motives or true, Christ [the Truth and the Light] is preached. And because of this, we ought to rejoice! Do we rejoice when we see Truth, no matter whence it came?

As For Me

2010-02-13T16:45:00.002-09:00

Last night at Kairos , we were talking about justice. Part of the reason I got so worked up on Wednesday is because I have literally been soaked in the idea of helping the poor this week. The book I'm reading, preparing for Kairos, running across that blog, I can't get away from the idea. And I've really been wrestling with it. What do I do to help the poor? What do I do to promote justice? What should I be doing?

One of the things we talked about last night was the Parable of the Sheep and the Goats, which is a rather terrifying parable that makes it seem as if our entire salvation rests on reaching out to those in need. But just before that Parable in Matthew is another Parable that jumped out at me:

Again, it will be like a man going on a journey, who called his servants and entrusted his property to them. To one he gave five talents of money, to another two talents, and to another one talent, each according to his ability. Then he went on his journey. The man who had received the five talents went at once and put his money to work and gained five more. So also, the one with the two talents gained two more. But the man who had received the one talent went off, dug a hole in the ground and hid his master's money.

After a long time the master of those servants returned and settled accounts with them. The man who had received the five talents brought the other five. "Master," he said, "you entrusted me with five talents. See, I have gained five more."

His master replied, "Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness!" - Matthew 25:14-21

While we were talking, God totally led the discussion in a way that made me think of this parable. We came back to the fact that not every person on earth can leave their home, move to a foreign land, and reach out to the people there. God calls everyone to a unique life of following Him. He gives each of us different "talents." Our path of following Him will look different than everyone else's. Maybe someone's path is to move to Uganda and adopt a ton of kids. Maybe someone's path is to care for their terminally ill sister. Maybe someone's path is simply to pray, and to pray hard. Each is very different, but each is still a calling and command from God.

The command to take care of the poor is a command of the heart. It is a command to love your neighbor. It is a command to love your God. If we seek God with our whole heart, if we yearn to hear His voice, if we listen and then follow Him, that is being faithful. The commands to care for the poor, reach out to to the marginalized, love others, those are commands to be like Christ. And the only way to be like Christ is to listen to the Father.

Jesus gave them this answer: "I tell you the truth, the Son can do nothing by himself; he can do only what he sees his Father doing, because whatever the Father does the Son also does. For the Father loves the Son and shows him all he does. - John 5:19-20

But when he, the Spirit of truth, comes, he will guide you into all truth. He will not speak on his own; he will speak only what he hears, and he will tell you what is yet to come. He will bring glory to me by taking from what is mine and making it known to you. All that belongs to the Father is mine. That is why I said the Spirit will take from what is mine and make it known to you. - John 16:13-15

My job is not to guess at what God has for me. My job is only to listen and to do. For me, doing is prayer. I know that I am called to pray and I know that I am called to try and start 24-7 prayer in my community. It's definitely not as glamorous as selling all that I have to do something "radical," but I know it is what God has asked of me. And that is all I should do. I must be faithful with what I have been given and not wish that I had been given something "more" or something different. I must not doubt that what I am called to is not "enough."

It is good to question regularly if we are on the right path. Complacency creeps in all too easily. Laziness and comfort run rampant. But sometimes, when we ask the question, "Am I doing what I am called to do?" the answer is yes. Ask God and listen with an open heart. Then walk the path with God, and don't let the flashiness of another's path make you doubt your own.

He has showed you, O man, what is good.
And what does the LORD require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
and to walk humbly with your God.
- Micah 6:8

Twisted Thinking

2010-02-10T19:00:00.006-09:00

My friend Erika mentioned an amazing blog to me today about a girl who moved to Uganda two years ago at the age of 19 and has since adopted 14 little girls. Say what? As I began to read through the blog (don't tell my boss!), I was struck by how much this woman (five years younger than me!) is doing exactly what she is supposed to do. I was struck by how she has completely changed the lives of children and the village where she is living. I was struck by her honesty, her bravery, and her love for her children.

Erika and I were discussing various aspects of this woman's life. I mentioned that it appeared to be easy for a single person to adopt children in Uganda. Erika replied that it was probably because she wasn't taking them out of the country. And then I had a thought. A single woman could never afford to adopt 12 children in the US, and everyone around her would look down on her if she tried. She would be called crazy, irresponsible.

What's wrong with our country?! We are a "world superpower," but it takes so much money to live here that most people can't afford to raise 12 parentless children. Even if someone tried, we would deride her for her irresponsible actions! I'm so mad at this twisted thinking that I could almost cry right now. Is it irresponsible to take the abundance we have and share it with our neighbor?

To be responsible, we are supposed to get a job, wait to marry until we've established a career, buy a house, have two children, and save like crazy for retirement, whereupon we will do nothing but travel in our RV and play with our grandkids. Why? Who decided this was normal? Why should I put 3% of my yearly income into an IRA that I can't touch until I'm 65 (assuming I even live that long) when there are millions upon millions of starving, abused people around? What part of Jesus' message says that's okay?

Stop bringing meaningless offerings!
Your incense is detestable to me.
New Moons, Sabbaths and convocations—
I cannot bear your evil assemblies.

Your New Moon festivals and your appointed feasts
my soul hates.
They have become a burden to me;
I am weary of bearing them.

When you spread out your hands in prayer,
I will hide my eyes from you;
even if you offer many prayers,
I will not listen.
Your hands are full of blood;

wash and make yourselves clean.
Take your evil deeds
out of my sight!
Stop doing wrong,
learn to do right!

Seek justice,
encourage the oppressed.
Defend the cause of the fatherless,
plead the case of the widow.

- Isaiah 1:13-17

How convicted I feel while reading that! What have I done to help those in need? I have been wrestling with what a radical life would look like for me. I have no idea what it might mean. But I know that I'm not okay with living the way America lives. As my heart breaks over the realization that living in faith is considered living recklessly, I begin to realize that living the way Jesus lived is living recklessly. It is not worrying about tomorrow. It is living in complete abandon, believing that God will always take care of you if you feed His sheep. How can it be that Jesus' message is still so radical after 2000 years of Christian "civilization"?

When faced with the twisted thinking of our culture, we have three options. 1) Accept that it's just the way it is; 2) Reject the thinking and this country and move away; 3) try to change it. Looking at those options, I have to answer the question, What do I do? How do I answer the call to defend the cause of the fatherless and encourage the oppressed? Am I too scared to believe that God will take care of me if I begin to take every word Jesus said literally?

I don't know what I will do right now, but the more I think about it, the more I begin to think that it's not about finding the "right" cause, the "right" calling, it's about doing anything to help people. And doing it now.

Reality & Obsession

2010-02-06T21:47:00.003-09:00

There's a great poem called The Vision that has the following line near the beginning:

The vision is JESUS – obsessively, dangerously, undeniably Jesus.

I remember a story that an evangelist told once at a church when I was young. He said he was taking boxes of Bibles on an airplane and when they asked him what was in the boxes, he jokingly replied "Dynamite!" Airport security didn't think it was such a joke!

Is the vision of Jesus dangerous? Is the Word of God dynamite?

I have been pondering again what it truly means to follow God. Jesus' message was so revolutionary that it terrified the leaders of His day enough that they orchestrated His crucifixion. The Word of God is full of power. God is not safe. Do I really believe that?

I don't think we like the message of an unsafe God. I think we like the messages about God's mercy and forgiveness and infinite love for us. Those are comforting. We twist the gospel into "prosperity" doctrines. We live as though accepting God and showing up to church on Sunday is all that's needed to call ourselves a follower of Christ. A Christian. Then we continue to put money in our IRAs for retirement and buy that beautiful new car and go on with life as normal. Maybe we tithe regularly. Maybe we even volunteer at a soup kitchen. But is our life obsessively about Jesus?

One of the things Jesus was very, very clear about was that it is hard for a rich man to go to Heaven. We don't even know that we are rich anymore. We just live there, never realizing that we are the people He talked about.

No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money.

Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. - Matthew 6:24-27, 31-34

What would it look like to live a life where I didn't worry about tomorrow? Would that life be dangerous? Would it be dynamite?

Christ's message is dangerous. It doesn't fit the rules of the world. In fact, it doesn't even make sense sometimes. We live in an upside-down world and when we come face to face with the right-side-up God of the Universe, we begin to make excuses for why His message isn't "relevant" to our culture or our time. We compromise. We say that by living in a comfortable life while donating to the Haiti relief fund, we are living out the modern version of the gospel. The gospel that fits into "reality."

But the gospel doesn't fit into our reality. The gospel is a new reality.

Meanwhile his disciples urged him, "Rabbi, eat something."
But He said to them, "I have food to eat that you know nothing about."
Then his disciples said to each other, "Could someone have brought him food?"
"My food," said Jesus, "is to do the will of Him who sent me and to finish His work." - John 4:31-34

The vision is JESUS – obsessively, dangerously, undeniably Jesus.

Do I believe that? Is Jesus really my vision? Is doing the Father's will really my bread? What would my life look like if I really didn't worry about tomorrow? Am I brave enough to find out? Or will I turn away in sadness like the wealthy young ruler, because I'm not willing to give up my comfort?

Jesus looked at him and loved him. "One thing you lack," He said. "Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me."

At this the man's face fell. He went away sad, because he had great wealth.

Jesus looked around and said to his disciples, "How hard it is for the rich to enter the kingdom of God!" - Mark 10:21-23

Freedom from Self

2010-01-30T13:13:00.004-09:00

I've been reading a book lately about the reasons and the point of church liturgy. It's been pretty good so far. Then, the other day, I stumbled across a sentence that stopped me dead in my tracks: "The more self-centered we become, the less we have to make us happy."

I am still really self-centered. I've struggled in the battle to make God the center of my life. Some days I am totally focused on Him. Some days, I'm totally not. But I know that I am also doing better now than a few years ago. I know that I have gone from a place in my relationships where everything was about me, to being able to enjoy other people and not worrying about myself. And the only reason I have progressed at all is Jesus. Jesus healing me from my own insecurities and wounds. Jesus shining out in the lives of others who have loved me even at times when I was little more than wounded neediness.

When a person is awful circumstances or really broken, it is nearly impossible for them to think about anyone other than themselves. Wounds can be consuming and overwhelming. So can bad situations. Even if your life is great and easy, it is so natural to be self-centered. We live in a world that complete encourages. Everything around us drives us to say, "I want. I need." Sometimes we really do want and need important things. Which just goes back to the awful circumstances and being really broken.

So how do we get out of that place? How do we get to a place were "I" am not the center of my life? I've tried the self-discipline route, and that is pretty darn difficult. Impossible, really. We can get better, but we can't fix the broken things inside of us that suck our attention.
To the Jews who had believed him, Jesus said, "If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." - John 8:31-32

I am the gate; whoever enters through me will be saved. He will come in and go out, and find pasture. The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. - John 10:9-10

Jesus came to bring us freedom and an abundant life. Being self-centered is being trapped in a narrow focus. It is living a small, narrow life without escape. The freedom Jesus brings, the abundant life we can live, is freedom from ourselves. Freedom from the narrowness of our vision, our hearts, our wounds. Freedom instead to see God, and in seeing God, to have our life expanded into the whole of the entire universe, into abundance.

To reverse the quote: the more we focus on God and others, the more we have to make us happy. Our world is expanded, our wounds are healed, and joy is found everywhere.

I Will Sing and Not be Silent!

2010-01-23T14:27:00.005-09:00

I've already written about Dietrich Bonhoeffer's idea of "costly grace" before. I've already talked about how amazing God is before. But this week these ideas have been rolling around in my head once more. We talked about community in Kairos last night and next week we talk about mission. I've been reading Scripture and thinking about community and mission, and I realized how important the idea of grace is to both of those. How important love is.

Paul's letter to the Romans is a profound explanation of love, grace, and Christ. After Paul as been talking about how we are no longer under the law, but rather under grace, he asks:

What then? Shall we sin because we are not under the law but under grace? By no means! Don't you know that when you offer yourselves to someone as obedient slaves, you are slaves of the one you obey--whether you are slaves to sin, which leads to death, or to obedience, which leads to righteousness? But thanks be to God that, though you used to be slaves to sin, you have come to obey from your heart the pattern of teaching that has now claimed your allegiance. You have been set free from sin and have become slaves to righteousness.

Do I offer myself to God as an obedient slave? What a piercing question! How often in my life to I live by my own desires, as a slave to sin? How often do put my own comfort above God's requests? Every day! I wonder what my life would look like if I genuinely gave myself as a slave to God.

Thinking about community and mission, I've been amazed by the lives of people who devote themselves to loving others as God loves them. Who are willing to go to the streets of Ibiza and clean up drunks in the name of Christ. Who are willing to move into a tiny village in Germany and dare to live a new way.

Too often, we are willing to say "yes" to love of God in a way that cheapens it. We say with our mouths that we believe in God, in Jesus, but we don't want to change. We live just like everyone else around us, worshiping money, alcohol, "fun." We harbor resentment and unforgiveness. We make getting ahead the priority of our life. We take revenge. We may even be "good people." But we are not in crazy, passionate love with our Creator. We don't really understand what He has done for us.

Our lives must change. Once we encounter the love of God, the healing presence of Jesus, the power of the Holy Spirit, we must respond. I know that my life has changed, but I have so much more change ahead of me. What will my life look like in a year? In ten years? The deeper I go with God, the more I feel His call on my life. The more I walk with Him, the more excited I get for where He will lead me. I pray that God will help me to walk the path He has prepared for me! That I will have the grace and the courage to recognize His way and move in it.

For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light... and find out what pleases the Lord. - Ephesians 5:8, 10

The Long Journey

2010-01-21T12:39:00.000-09:00

In a recent sermon, Pastor Mark made a comment that if people think being a Christian is easy, they are wrong. If you thought your life was going to get easier by becoming a Christian, you were wrong. It reminded me of some verses I read recently in the Psalms.

For you, O God, tested us;
you refined us like silver.
You brought us into prison
and laid burdens on our backs.
You let men ride over our heads;
we went through fire and water,
but you brought us to a place of abundance.
- Psalm 66:10-12

That Psalm is actually a reflection on the captivity of the Jews in Egypt and the Exodus. We read through Genesis and Exodus recently at Kairos and I was amazed at how God set up the story of the Jewish people to be the story of each of us. Jesus was often characterized by the early Jews as the "new Moses." He came to deliver people from slavery to sin. He came to lead us into the promised land of Heaven. We love to focus on the glorious part of it, which is good. But sometimes I think we just plain forget the whole slavery-for-hundreds-of-years-then-40-years-in-the-desert part.

Love the Lord your God with all your heart and all your soul and all your mind. Love your neighbor as yourself. If we actually try to live these commands out in a practical way, it will pretty much ruin our lives. It's the hardest thing in life to follow those commands. We have to break habits, re-learn pretty much all our ways of viewing the world, submit to God in EVERYTHING, and put others' needs above our own. The enemy hates us for making all those efforts and will throw anything in our path to try and turn us back to self-absorbed living. We will walk through fire and floods (Isaiah 43:2).

Americans don't like to be uncomfortable. Maybe other people don't either, I don't know. But I do know that following God is the most uncomfortable thing I've ever done. He has asked me to love seemingly unlovable people. He has asked me to let go of things I desperately wanted to control. He has shown me heartbreaking realities of lies that I have believed for my entire life. Some days, I've really disliked God for completely turning my life upside down.

But in the end, He brings us into a land of abundance. The last three years have completely sucked for me in many ways. They've been difficult and obnoxious and I've wanted to quit many times. But the farther I go, the more I believe the promise. In the past month, God has been pointing out to me places in my life where I have been living in His victory. I can see the abundant blessings there now. I still have many battles ahead, but I know the joy of having passed through some floods and walking onto dry ground, through Jesus' victory. I pray the same for everyone else.

"You believe at last!" Jesus answered. "But a time is coming, and has come, when you will be scattered, each to his own home. You will leave me all alone. Yet I am not alone, for my Father is with me. I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." - John 16:31-33

Fork Decisions

2010-01-11T16:10:00.000-09:00

There's a famous Robert Frost poem everyone seems to know at least a few lines of. "Two roads diverged in a yellow wood" and "I took the one less traveled by / and that has made all the difference." Most people talk about that poem as though the speaker of the poem was joyfully saying that his choice made all the difference, but if you read it carefully, the actual tone is much more ambigous. " Frost says the choice made all the difference in his life, but he leaves you to guess if the difference was good or bad.

Life is absolutely chock full of these "fork in the road" moments. Do I take the left or the right?! Which is the right path? Which is the better path? Which path will I regret least? It's amazing how often we come to fork decisions and suddenly feel all adrift. I know I've had some major ones in my life ("Do I take the job offer?" "Do I tell him how I feel?").

In the past, when I've come to these decisions (at least, the obvious ones), I usually freak out a little. What happens if I make the wrong decision? Which decision is the right one? Which decision does God want me to make? What if I choose a path that isn't God and my life to to rack and ruin because I made the wrong choice?! Sometimes my head is not a pretty place to be.

Well over a year ago, I was faced with a job decision. I panicked big time. What if I took this job offer (time commitment) and then suddenly the door opened to some crazy cool God opportunity and I couldn't take it because I was pinned to my job? I went back and forth and back and forth. I was earnestly seeking God's face and God has used and continues to use that struggle bring teach me.

While praying about the decision, a friend said to me, "Maybe it's okay if you pick either path. Maybe one isn't necessarily wrong." Now, more than a year later, I think I finally get it. I'm not sure how, but somewhere along the path of life, I bought into a weird idea. I bought into the idea that when we get to forks in the road, there is a right road and a wrong road. One road will be following God and one road will be failure or rebellion. The weight on each fork decision was immense.

Sometimes, one road is obviously not God. Choosing to respond in anger or to commit a sin, is obviously not a good road. But sometimes, both roads are morally safe. There is no obvious sin, no obvious moral failure to choose one road over the other. What if, in those instances, both roads are right? What if the real issue is to seek God's face? God gives us immense freedom as His children. What if He sometimes puts a choice between two good things before us, because He wants to give us the fun of choosing?

This is a mind boggling concept for me. Maybe the roads aren't right or wrong, maybe my heart when I pick one is the real choice. If I choose a road in faith that I am not going directly against God's will, then does it matter what that road is? And if I earnestly seek God's heart and choose a road that commits me to a time and place, what makes me think God is going to wave some awesome opportunity in front of me and say, "Bummer. Too bad you chose wrong."? If God wants me to take some amazing opportunity that doesn't fit my current life options, then He'll open the door to it, right? He'll make a way.

Fork decisions are enough to drive anybody crazy. Right vs. wrong. Good vs. bad. What if I regret it? But maybe we need to stop thinking in those terms. Maybe we just need to ask, "God, which path should I take?" listen for the answer, and then choose based on the answer. And if we don't get a clear answer, maybe we can pick the path we like better. Because He loves us and He likes to bless us and give us choices. Maybe the fork isn't there waiting to impale us, but to help us eat a tasty dinner!

Love & Revelation

2010-01-09T00:43:00.001-09:00

My friend Dustin recently blogged about a revelation God shared with him, and I smiled while I realized again how incredibly personal and loving our God is. He cares about each individual person, every single facet of each person's life and personality. Everything. All of it. No detail is too small. God is never too busy to whisper an amazing truth into our ears.

That reality is extraordinary. I can't say anything that would capture how extraordinary it is. God, who made a Universe more vast than any of us could possibly comprehend, cares about every element of our life and being. There are trillions of lifeforms on this planet and He knows when my heart is breaking. In the world's history, He has cared about every single one of the--I don't even know how many--people who have existed. Incomprehensible.

One of the completely wonderful things about how much God loves us is the fact that He reveals truth to us. I can't even comprehend the fact of God's love and revelation. I can't explain it very rationally. But I have experienced it. I know what it's like to be thinking about something and suddenly feel a rift in time and space as this crazy revelatory thought pops into your head and you realize that God has just showed you something you never knew before. Or to look at another person and suddenly see beyond all their flaws to the astonishingly beautiful person God made them to be. Or to be praying about something and have God ask a direct and piercing question, revealing things you didn't even know were in your own heart.

Even when God reveals the yucky ugly motives of our hearts, it's with love and grace. I think one of the great misunderstandings is that God wants to show you how you are wrong or broken in order to condemn or punish you. But whenever God has revealed my own ugliness to me, I have been both heartbroken and profoundly grateful. I have felt loved in that moment and never condemned. The enemy occasionally tries to point out my ugliness in a condemning way, but I have come to realize that that voice is not God. God says, "I love you so much, that I want you to see this ugly part of yourself so that I can cleanse it and make you free to be beautiful there." God is incredibly tender.

For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. - John 3:17

Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death. - Romans 8:1-2

God delights in revealing things to us in love. Whether it is a truth for our edification, or a truth for our healing, or a truth to build up another person, He takes pleasure in showing us His heart. All we need to do is honestly listen. Ask and listen.

Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened. Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! - Matthew 7:7-11

||: Repeat :||

2010-01-02T17:08:00.002-09:00

I repeat myself a lot. Or at least, it feels like I do. Sometimes I finish a blog post and I wonder if I've written that same post before and just forgotten. Certainly many of my posts are very similar. I had been starting to worry about it lately until I heard a song on the radio.

I've been hearing a lot of 10th Avenue North on the radio lately, and I enjoy their lyrics. Recently, a particular lyric of theirs just grabbed me: "Can the Maker of the stars really hear the sound of my breaking heart?"
I do repeat myself. Maybe sometimes people get bored by that. But I don't think I can help it because there are so many breaking hearts out there crying out, "God, do you hear me?" I have to tell the truth that I know. I have to tell my story. I have to tell God's story.

In my life, the answer has been yes, the Maker of the stars really can hear the sound of my breaking heart. Not only has He heard it, time and time again, but He lovingly reaches down to wipe away my tears and to mend it back together again, making it stronger, yet not harder, than before. God's love for us is so amazing, so overwhelming, so powerful, that I can't stop talking about it.

Rolling into this New Year, I am experiencing something new. I am excited for the future! I look forward with anticipation to see God's plan in my life and in my world. I've never been in that place before. For so many years, I have dreaded the future, dreaded change. It felt like every time I got comfortable, things would change and everything would be hard again. I would cry and yell and sulk. I wanted life to be manageable, to be less scary, to be familiar. How much has changed!

I have experienced so much healing in the last three years that I can confidently say that I am not who I was. I have learned and grown and now I look forward to more learning and more growth! Instead of wanting to be comfortable, I have learned to appreciate discomfort and how it pushes me into being a better person. I don't exactly like having my heart broken, but I have come to understand how it molds me into a woman after God's heart instead of my own.

I must tell that story. There is freedom from all the chains that bind us. Chains of hurt, misunderstanding, self-hate. Whatever your chains are that make you feel trapped or depressed or angry, there is relief. There is a God who wants to make you new. He wants to uncover all the beautiful and good things He created in you and free them.

It is the point of life to love and be loved by God. How could I not tell that story over and over and over until my voice is gone?

Something Greater

2009-12-26T23:12:00.005-09:00

I went and saw Avatar today. Along with the rest of Anchorage apparently since every seat was full and we ended up sitting in the second row with necks craned backward! Anyway, yes, it is a fun movie with amazing 3D and a beautiful world. I don't have any great spiritual commentary or critique of the movie, but it did set me to thinking.

I've heard that the deepest longing of the human heart is to be loved. Maybe that's true. But I think another deep longing, one which may equal the longing to be loved (they are related), is the longing to belong. The need to be part of something. A people, a story. Something bigger.

Sometimes I am surprised by the commonality of the human experience. There are different cultures and beliefs all over the world, yet we all seem to want to be loved and to belong. We all want a life that will be part of a story bigger than us. Something to be told and retold to others. Something with meaning.

We all search for meaning. Where does my life fit? What is my story? Where do I belong? Maybe I belong in a family, be it blood relation, gang, or a brotherhood of a common cause. Maybe my story has meaning because I am doing my part to change life for the better or to create something new. Maybe I live my life entirely for myself, indulging in every whimsy of my imagination, determined to grab as much of life as I possibly can before it ends.

In tribal cultures, meaning is found in the rhythms of the natural world. Lives are determined by gods and nature. There is a connection to the Earth and preceding generations. In developed cultures, we talk about leaving the world a better place, about giving back to humanity. We frown on greed and selfishness. We talk about the greater good.

We are all so different and yet we are all exactly the same. If only we could live in that truth every single day. Maybe we would take joy in each other instead of judging.

Immeasurably More

2009-12-20T14:00:00.000-09:00

Sometimes it amazes how God arranges life and circumstances to just clearly SHOUT a message at us in the most loving, delightful way possible. I recently ran across some verses in Ephesians that just jumped out at me. I read and re-read them. I've read Ephesians dozens of times before, but I seriously cannot remember ever reading the words before. I love that Scripture is alive and always has something new to say!

Anyway, so I've been mulling these verses over (yes, I will share them in just a minute) for a few days. They've been there in the back of my mind. Yesterday, I went to the wedding of my friends Blaine and Lindee. I cannot even begin to describe how excited I have been about this wedding! The witness of God's hand in my friends' lives has just been an extraordinarily beautiful thing to see. Being able to celebrate their love and commitment together with them really just was a huge blessing and honor.

Then, they had those same verses from Ephesians read at their wedding ceremony.

Ephesians 3:14-21 - For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord's people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

I have had a rather rocky relationship with the idea of marriage over my lifetime. At times, I've been a worshiper of independence and a cynic doubting that true love and commitment really exist (at least, that they could ever exist in my life!). I actually recently had a memory healing where I renounced a vow I made at 15 months (seriously) to never be dependent on anyone. Since then, I've warmed up to the idea of marriage a lot. Suddenly choosing to spend one's life with another individual seems like maybe a pleasant idea instead of a road with more difficulties than benefits.

So I think God was telling me something. I think that in watching my friends, who love each other and love God, commit to each other in a loving and Spirit-filled ceremony, actually really gave me hope. Maybe marriage really is meant to be an extraordinary picture of how much God loves us. Maybe God was telling me that He can do immeasurably more than I could imagine, especially in my own life.

What a world this could be if we all knew how deeply God loves us and how immeasurably more He can do than we could ever imagine! I think I'd like to let my imagination run a little more wild than I have before!

What if Women Loved Each Other?

2009-12-15T23:40:00.000-09:00

I am so thankful to be on Christmas break! I look forward to weeks of spending quality time with friends and maybe even doing some fun reading! That has nothing to do with what I'm going to talk about in this post, but I had to mention my excitement. :)

I feel like I have some kind of idea forming in my head right now about women and community, but I'm not sure exactly what it is. I've recently observed or learned a series of random facts about women that somehow all go together and I'm still figuring out how and why.

Last Wednesday, my boss took the staff (female) to the YWCA Women of Achievement luncheon where 11 women in our community were presented with awards for their achievements. It was really fun to sit at the convention center in a room full of mostly women and remember that we are a pretty cool sex. Yet some of the experience was more negative than positive. A few of the women who were attending actually seemed discouraged by the event because they didn't live up to or equal the women being awarded. One woman at my table said, "How do they find the time?!" I found myself judging some of the women and wondering if their families felt abandoned or devalued as these women pursued amazing careers or community service. What should have been a solid time of blessing and encouragement was tangled up with judgment and competition. I wish I could say that this is something new, but it's actually a pretty normal reaction to something like this event. Judgment and jealousy and competition. That's what viewing other women's lives is about, right?

During a conversation with friends on Saturday night, Reebok's new ad campaign for their "Easy Tone" shoes came up. Tagline: Nice booty, great sole. And their extended slogan is "78% of men are speechless. 81% of women jealous." Ew. Yuck. Yuck. Why on earth would I want 81% of women to be jealous of me? Can I only be friendly with 2 out of every ten women I meet once I start using their product? That sounds fun! What a disgusting snapshot of a culture that promotes jealousy and lust between all of its people.

Friday, I read an amazing article about sex and marriage that kind of helped me piece together a lot of ideas and observations that were already bouncing around my head. I still have a lot of processing about the article to do, but I was immediately shocked at how easily I've bought into the world's ideas without ever thinking them through. We live in a society that thinks that telling me that 81% of women will be jealous of me will make me want to go out and buy a pair of shoes! Yet I realized that sometimes I buy into the messages of my society without even noticing it. Sometimes the messages are just too subtle or they've been there so long that I don't even realize I'm buying into a lie.

The other day, I introduced my two dearest friends to Beyonce's "Single Ladies" music video. There is something about that video that pretty much makes me feel a million times better about life when I watch it. I was talking to my friend, Mariah, about all of this and I think one of the reasons I love Beyonce's video so much is because it is a little tableau of women standing together and supporting each other. It makes me feel like maybe there is some kind of hope out there that I sometimes forget about. And then we started wondering, What would it look like if women truly stood together and loved each other?

I think I have a bit of an example of what I mean. I have a friend who is getting married soon, and I went to her bridal shower. It was a pretty normal bridal shower and I had a perfectly nice time. Then I started asking myself: what if "normal" isn't what it should be? I started to imagine what normal for a Christian might look like. What could a bridal shower in a community of loving Christian women look like?

What if we invited women of all ages and the older ones told honest stories about what the early days of marriage were like for them? About their mistakes and triumphs, highs and lows. What if we tried to give the bride and other unmarried women a serious picture of what getting married could mean for her? Then, we could pray for the bride. Pray blessing. So much blessing! How powerful it would be for a group of women to gather around one of their own and pray blessing, instead of judging her for marrying too young or being jealous because they've never married themselves or worrying about whether she has made the right choice or not...

I think that in many subtle ways, Christians (myself included!) have bought 100% into the culture of this world. This is especially true in how we gather. Our gatherings should not look like anyone else's. Our lives should not look like the "average." Do we even ask ourselves why we do things the way we do?

I have a question for Christian women to think about. What if women loved each other? Really, truly, just-like-Jesus loved each other. What if jealousy, anger, self-hate, fear, judgment, and competition were all taken away and we just flat-out adored each other? What might that look like? How would your gatherings with your friends change? What might you do differently to help each other? How might the world change?

A Confession: In Need of Courage

2009-11-30T12:13:00.003-09:00

The Sunday before last the sermon on Sunday was about the two diciples on the road to Emmaus. Pastor Neil talked about how those disciples desperately needed to hear the news that "Jesus is alive!" and how our world is full of people who need to sit down with Jesus, have their eyes opened, and know that Jesus is alive. (Great sermon, Neil!)

For the past week, as I have interacted with people at work, class, play, and even church, that phrase has continued to resound through my head. The need is everywhere. There is depression and hopelessness. I have actually literally started to see chains and ropes of lies, doubt, and hurt binding people. Sometimes I just want wave my hands in their face and yell "Jesus is alive! There is hope! You don't have to live this way!!!"

When these urges come, however, they are immediately followed by a wave of doubt. Can I say that? Is it appropriate at work? Will I offend them if I suggest that they need God? Will I offend them if I suggest that the belief in God they already have is skewed, incorrect? Are these questions even valid or am I just a coward?!

We live in a culture obsessed with tolerance and not giving offense to others. R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Some days my head is a chaotic swirl of urges from the Holy Spirit and fears based on cultural training. Add to that the fear that by ignoring cultural mores, I will actually offend people and turn them off of God. I want them to be healed so very much! What if I yell, "Jesus is alive!" and instead of receiving hope, they decide they never want anything to do with God? What if...

Friends, I think I need a little courage. I think that I need to stop asking "What if?" and instead begin asking, "What if I don't?" What if I don't say something and this person never has anyone come to them with a message of hope? What if I don't and God has been slowly preparing their heart for years and they truly are ready to receive hope right at this very moment?

I have known for a long time now that God's ways are not our ways. But have you ever ready the context of that verse? (See below.) God's ways are ways of mercy and healing and joy. Not fear and hesitation and caring about offending others. What if I actually had the courage to tell people that Jesus is alive and they don't have to live in fear or pain or doubt? Would I see the prophecy of Isaiah 55 fulfilled?

Isaiah 55

"Come, all you who are thirsty,
come to the waters;
and you who have no money,
come, buy and eat!
Come, buy wine and milk
without money and without cost.
Why spend money on what is not bread,
and your labor on what does not satisfy?
Listen, listen to me,
and eat what is good,
and your soul will delight in the richest of fare.

Give ear and come to me;
hear me, that your soul may live. I
will make an everlasting covenant with you,
my faithful love promised to David.

See, I have made him a witness to the peoples,
a leader and commander of the peoples.

Surely you will summon nations you know not,
and nations that do not know you will hasten to you,
because of the LORD your God,
the Holy One of Israel,
for he has endowed you with splendor."

Seek the LORD while he may be found;
call on him while he is near.

Let the wicked forsake his way
and the evil man his thoughts.
Let him turn to the LORD, and he will have mercy on him,
and to our God,
for he will freely pardon.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,"
declares the LORD.

"As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.

As the rain and the snow
come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
so that it yields seed for the
sower and bread for the eater,

so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.

You will go out in joy
and be led forth in peace;
the mountains and hills
will burst into song before you,
and all the trees of the field
will clap their hands.

Instead of the thornbush will grow the pine tree,
and instead of briers the myrtle will grow.
This will be for the LORD's renown,
for an everlasting sign,
which will not be destroyed."

Happy Thanksgiving!

2009-11-26T13:51:00.003-09:00

So much to be thankful for! I really don't think that I could even write my list out because it's so long. I think that the main thing I'm thankful for this year is that God really, really loves us. He wanted us, He made us, and He wants to help us be the person He designed us to be. He wants to heal us and love us and teach us His truth and who He is. How completely mind-boggling is that?! I can't even fathom how amazing it is!

Shout to the Lord with joy, everyone on earth.
Worship the Lord with gladness.
Come to him with songs of joy.
I want you to realize that the Lord is God.
He made us, and we belong to him.
We are his people.
We are the sheep belonging to his flock.
Give thanks as you enter the gates of his temple.
Give praise as you enter its courtyards.
Give thanks to him and praise his name.
The Lord is good. His faithful love continues forever.
It will last for all time to come.

Becoming a Threat

2009-11-21T11:10:00.001-09:00

Over a year ago, I wrote a blog post about how I often feel like I am "left behind" when my friends go off and do cool things with God. I'm the steady one who is always here when others return. I was really struggling with fighting and disliking that part of myself.

A few weeks ago, I read the following paragraph in New Monasticism:

One of the things we've learned from trying to stand in the way of a death-dealing system is that you can't do it alone. It takes a community. Plow Creek Community is a great example of this. If you visited their farm in rural Illinois, about two hours from Chicago, you might think they've fled from the world for a simple life, leaving behind any concerns of international politics. But you wouldn't have to stay long to hear from Jim Fitz and Erin Kindy about their work with Christian Peacemaker teams in Colombia, Chiapas, and the West Bank. Plow Creek operates as a home base, sending them out to do direct-action peacemaking in conflict zones around the world. While they are away, fellow community members pray for them and care for their families. After each tour, they come home to a place of peace and healing, where they tell the stories of what they have seen and heard.

I dog-eared the page and highlighted half the paragraph. I've been thinking about it ever since. "Plow Creek operates as a home base... They come home to a place of peace and healing..."

Growing up in the church, missionaries were held up as the ultimate example of someone following God. Of course, if you weren't called to be a missionary, you should always remember the mission field at home. How did it ever happen that the people who don't go to Africa or Asia or on regular mission trips became somehow less than the people who do? How did being a missionary to our local community become the consolation prize?

It seems to me that everyone is sent. Some people are sent out and some people are sent in. But everyone is sent. Somewhere along the way, I feel like a lie crept in. Some people were sent, and some people stayed. Just a subtle change in the way we talk about it, but really not subtle in the way it plays out in people's lives and hearts. Now if I'm not sent out, then I am remaining. I am left behind. I've completely lost the purpose in my life.

One thing God has shown me about myself is that I am good at making a home. I like to create spaces that are comfortable and relaxing. Where people can come be themselves. I also love to love people. Even difficult people! When I read that paragraph, it was like a light opened up over me. I am sent to the people at home.

I have dreamt of having a "Funny Farm" for a while now. I suddenly realize that maybe that dream is so strong in me because that is why God has created me. Maybe the fact that I am the "steady one" is not a burden, but a gift! Maybe it's a glorious gift that gives me a purpose and a place within the body of Christ. I think that last year I had totally bought into the lie that "staying" was somehow not as spiritual as "leaving." But I'm beginning to understand that I am not "staying," I am meant to build a home base. Without a home base, how can people be sent out? Where will they come from? Where can they go when they need rest and healing?

Figuring out who God is, who we are, and how we are supposed to operate within the body is really everything in life. Satan spends most of his energy trying to confuse us and confound our understanding of those three things. Because once we understand them, we are a threat. I think I am finally starting to understand and get excited about who I am.

Becoming

2009-11-18T19:50:00.006-09:00

One day, when I have lots of time on my hands (ha!), I'm going to go back and read my blog from when I first began. I've been writing for over a year now. Sometimes more regularly (go August!) than others. I have an idea that I've probably repeated myself a great deal, but I think that God really works in seasons with me. Perhaps because it takes me a long time to learn something deeply!

The past week or so, I've been thinking a lot about some of my early blogging topics. I was constantly talking about an army of young people, a new revolution, etc. I still very much long to see those things happen. But this week, God has been telling me something a little different.

Despite this blog, and the fact that I am anything but ashamed of God, I don't often talk about God with people I don't know very well. Especially if I'm not sure what their faith is. Last Thursday, I totally had the urge to invite this random guy from the rock gym to Kairos (my church group). And I did!

On Sundays, I have a prayer class. At the end of the teaching, we split up into small groups and pray for each other. It's pretty much always amazing. This week, it was my turn to get prayer. And one of the people praying for me prayed that I would be able to lift up the Shield of Faith which can extinguish all the fiery darts of the enemy (Ephesians 6:16). Yes, please!

On Monday, I had a great conversation with a dear friend in which I identified and confessed a sin in my life and felt like God was telling me that it's time to live in my healing and stop feeling helpless (only He said it much more gently). It was so in keeping with the previous days' theme that I immediately listened up.

I love the song Hosanna. I do dream of a generation, rising to take their place with selfless faith. But I feel like this week, God has been telling me that it's time for me to be the warrior I'm looking for. He told me, "Step up." I feel like He has been preparing me carefully over the last few years, teaching me so much, and now it's time for me to grow up a little. I needed the intense time of being cared for and of learning about myself and the world around me that I have experienced. I still have so much to learn! But Paul said,

It was he who gave some to be apostles, some to be prophets, some to be evangelists, and some to be pastors and teachers, to prepare God's people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ. Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of men in their deceitful scheming. Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ. - Ephesians 4:11-15

While I would hardly label myself a "mature" Christian, I do think I've grown up a little. I think God wants me to act a little more grown up. He wants me to step into a place of helping others to grow up, too. If I long for any army, then I better be the best soldier I can until reinforcements arrive. Maybe even keep my eyes open for someone else who secretly longs to be a soldier and help them to see God so He can teach them to be a soldier in His army, too.

I'm really afraid of posting this, because I think it may come off as conceited or arrogant. But while I am quite excited by God telling me to step up, I am also completely terrified. I have no idea what it looks like, what it means, or what kind of sacrifice it will require from me. It is very unknown. How can I possibly feel qualified or ready to do something unknown?! Yet, in my weakness, God's power is perfect. (2 Corinthians 12:7-10)

Anyone want to join an army?

Daily Thought #11 - Making God Smile

2009-11-07T11:07:00.004-09:00

I have a confession. Last year, I didn't really put much energy into Christmas. Not such a big deal for most of you, but usually I am INTO Christmas. I have boxes of decorations. I didn't touch them. I have a fake tree and a real tree stand. No tree. I bought presents and went to parties and celebrated Christmas on the outside. But inside, I didn't really celebrate it. Maybe I needed a break, I'm not sure. But apparently, to make up for it, I am ready to celebrate early this year. I definitely have already broken out the Christmas carols. Crazy, but true.

This morning, as I was cleaning to the sounds of Christmas carols, one of my least favorite carols of all time came on. The Little Drummer Boy. For those of you who like this song (like my best friend), I apologize. I'm just not a fan. Musically, it leaves a lot to be desired. Lyrically, it leaves a lot to be desired. (Parum-pum-pum-pum? Really?) But as I was listening to it today, I was suddenly struck by the vision of it.

I am a poor boy, too.

I have no gifts to bring

fit to set before a king.

Shall I play my drum for you?

So the little boy plays his drum as best he can and Jesus smiles at him. The gag factor is fairly high (although nothing beats "Christmas Shoes"!). Yet, as I listened to it, honest tears welled up in my eyes. It amazes me how a deep truth can be wrapped up in the imperfect lyrics of a less-than-fantastic song.

The picture is still true. We have no gifts fit to set before a king. We are so poor compared to God! He has everything and we have only ourselves. But our life is our gift for Him. When we live our lives for Him, doing the best we can, He smiles. When our entire goal in life is to honor Him to the best of our limited ability, He receives it. How amazing is that? God could kill any of us in an instant for any number of reasons. He is all-powerful, all-knowing, all-creating. Everything that exists only exists because He created it. Yet, He desires us to come before Him and to play for Him. It brings Him joy and pleasure.

Sometimes I forget that God is so big. Sometimes I like to think that I have some great talent or idea to offer him. In reality, I am more like a not-so-well-written Christmas song. And my offerings have all the lyrical quality of "parum-pum-pum-pum." But when I play my best for Him, He smiles. He is honored. He loves me. What an amazing thought!

A Natural Rhythm

2009-11-05T12:10:00.000-09:00

For a while now, I've been reading about New Monasticism. (When I can squeeze in a few pages of non-school reading, that is!) One of the things which has really struck me is the monastic emphasis (both traditional and new monasticism) on rhythms. Rhythms of prayer. Practicing the presence of God. Rhythms of nature and cycles of the community.

Another reason I've been thinking about this is because my sleep rhythm was all messed up, and I wasn't sleeping well for a few weeks. That got me to thinking, do we have any idea what natural rhythms are anymore? When I say "we," I mean the typical American. We live in an electric-light lit, 24-7 shopping, caffeine-fueled, removed-from-nature world. What the heck is rhythm? Doesn't it seem sometimes like we just constantly move from busyness to busyness, hopefully with a little bit of sleep in between, but at least there's always Red Bull?

God started the creation of the world with a series of rhythms. Night and day. Rest on the 7th day. Beat, beat, rest. Repeat. Then when He gave us the law, He filled it full of rhythms. Sabbath, crop rotation, sacrifice, cleanliness rituals, Jubilee. Endless cycles of 3 and 7. Beat, beat, rest.

Now "Sabbath" is a few minutes at church on Sunday between mowing the lawn and helping the kids with homework and running to Costco. We work night shifts. We stay up late because late at night is the only time we have to do what we want to do.

Not only are we missing the rhythm of our individual lives, we miss the rhythm of a shared community life. We live in isolated homes with pockets of immediate family only. Our community is often scattered, sporadic, or even non-existent. When we do try to be in community, our efforts are often stifled by conflict, misunderstanding, and moving. We have no natural rhythms of prayer or worship or shared meals to bring us alongside those with whom we have conflict.

On the other hand, we often tend to view this lack of rhythm as "freedom." Rhythms may seem dull, meaningless, or just a type of "vain repetition." But as a very wise friend of mine pointed out recently, vain repetition has a lot more to do with our heart than with our actions. Anything we do can become vain repetition if our heart isn't in it. I think we need to rediscover patterns of events in our lives. To develop rhythms of being.

The challenge, then, is to find a rhythm and then to stick to it with a heart that is actively involved. I'm working on trying to figure out personal rhythms for my own life. Rhythms of worship and prayer and quiet. I know that I have a tendency to forget what God has done in my life, so I am working out a rhythm of reading old journal entries to remind myself of where I have been and what God has done for me.

I don't usually ask questions, but is there a rhythm in your own life that you would like to try and set up? What is it and why?

Reflection on an Excavation

2009-10-27T14:43:00.006-08:00

It's been a while since I've posted. School and work and life have been keeping me quite busy, I'm afraid. But I'm home sick today so I thought I would try to write a little something.

I've been looking at my journal from this time last year. What a long, long year it has been! My best friend recently described my life as an "excavation." At this time last year I was begging God to transform me, to mold me, to make me as He would have me to be. And so He has been doing. But in order to do that, He has been digging up everything that I used to know and relaying the foundations. It is a laborious, painful, and sometimes overwhelming process.

I look back at the last year and I wonder: would I have chosen to go forward if I had known what the year ahead would bring? Sometimes knowing the future is worse than finding it out daily. Looking back, I can easily say that I don't regret a single thing from this past year. What a thing to say! It has been hard, but it has been good. I am exhausted and confused, sometimes overwhelmed, but I know clearly that I am a much healthier and better person than I was. I have no desire to go back.

On the other hand, I've been struggling in recent weeks with feeling like I'm not going anywhere, not moving toward anything. I'm just living in the mess of an excavation (a remodel, if you will), with no end in sight. I feel quite like a small child on a long journey. I'm cold and I'm tired and I keep asking where we're going and when we're going to get there. I'm cranky. But I know that in the end, I must put my hand in God's and trust that He knows where He is taking me and how to get there. I think this is part of what Jesus meant when He said we must have faith as a child. Not that we can't be tired or cranky, but that we have to be willing to trust in Him even when we can't understand what's happening.

I want to be excited about the next year, but I'm honestly too tired to be excited. Instead, I will settle for being peaceful. Because I know that even if my life continues to be a messy project of foundation laying, eventually a new building will be put in place. And one of God's design. Not a flimsy house of sticks or straw that I built of my own strength, but a sure and firm house, able to withstand the storms because it was built by God. With no regrets!

Daily Thought #10: A Quotation

2009-10-01T22:02:00.003-08:00

In his biography of [Dorothy] Day, Robert Coles writes about how she understood working from the bottom to be "Christ's technique." "She was always taking Jesus as seriously as possible," Coles observes. "She was always trying to remember that He was an osbscure carpenter who in His early thirties, did not go talk with emperors and kings and important officials, but with equally obscure people, and thereby persuaded a few fishermen, a few farm people, a few ailing and hard-pressed men and women, that there was reason for them to have great hope." - quoted in New Monasticism by Jonathan Wilson-Hartgrove

Thinking About the Spirit

2009-09-29T21:17:00.004-08:00

It's been a little while since I posted. I did rather well in August, but since school started, I seem to have lost the motivation. I haven't been void of all ponderings, however. I've been listening to Francis Chan's two books, Crazy Love and Forgotten God on audiobook. They're both very good, but I think I liked Forgotten God much better. Frances asks some amazingly thought provoking questions.

I've really been thinking a lot about the Holy Spirit (the subject of Forgotten God). Francis talks about how we treat the Holy Spirit like a "force" that needs to be harnessed rather than as a person. And about how, if we are fully listening and following the Spirit (which is, of course, God), then it is impossible for us to sin. More Spirit, more obedience to the Spirit, means less sin.

Looking at my life, I know I believe that God talks to me and loves me and guides me, but sometimes I think I forget the amazing gift of the Holy Spirit. God--the God who created the entire universe and everything in it--lives inside me (I Corinthians 6:19). He's there, inside my heart, as my companion, my guide, my comforter, my friend. I am "the temple of the Holy Spirit." He dwells in me. That's a crazy truth! In reality, if you sit down and think about it, it's actually completely mind blowing.

We know that God is completely good, merciful, just, etc. We know that the fruit of the Holy Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, etc. (Galatians 5:22-23). If I have God, the Holy Spirit, within my very being, then what am I doing living like I do sometimes?

Surprisingly, I don't find this to be a condemning thought. I'm human, I make mistakes, I've learned bad habits and believed ugly lies and it takes time to re-learn good habits and truth. I don't expect myself to be perfect overnight. Instead, I feel that it is really encouraging. I think sometimes that I get trapped into this well of "I'm a horrible person and just an ugly pit of issues and I'll never get better." But that is a HUGE lie. Because I have the Spirit of the living God inside of me, and anything is possible (Matthew 10:27). No habit or lie is able to beat me, unless I forget that I have God in me.

Sometimes, I like to think that my bad behavior is actually an attack of Satan, et. al. And sometimes it is. But, in actuality, the enemy should have no power over me. If I have God in me, then what on earth am I doing falling to the attacks of the enemy? If Satan has power over me, it is because I have some open door for him to attack me. Paul talks about how we need to be careful not to "give the devil a foothold" (Ephesians 4:27). Sometimes a door is opened through someone hurting me or through my believing a lie. But no matter how the door is opened, I have God in me! "What He opens no one can shut, and what He shuts no one can open" (Revelation 3:7b). I have the power to overcome any attack in me.

How crazy is this? Do you understand how amazing this is? I (and you, if you invite Him in!) have the Holy Spirit--the actual being of the living God of Heaven--inside you. With Him, all things are possible, whether it is overcoming your own human nature or overcoming the enemy or following the seemingly impossible commands of Christ.

This life is such a journey. Sometimes the road is narrow and steep, sometimes it is a little pleasant and easier. But we will get so hopelessly lost without a guide. And the Guide lives right inside of us, and talks to us, and reveals everything to us! I think I need to remember that a little more often.

[Jesus said] I have much more to say to you, more than you can now bear. But when he, the Spirit of truth, comes, he will guide you into all truth. - John 16:12-13a

Falling in Love

2009-09-16T14:30:00.000-08:00

Recently, I've been listening to Crazy Love on audiobook while I drive. It's a really good book. I'm not sure Francis Chan writes about anything revolutionary or new, but his presentation of old truths is fresh and thought provoking.

This morning, he was talking about being in love with God, and he asked a question (originally asked by John Piper in God is the Gospel):

If you could have heaven, with no sickness, and with all the friends you ever had on earth, and all the food you ever liked, and all the leisure activities you ever enjoyed, and all the natural beauties you ever saw, all the physical pleasures you ever tasted, and no human conflict or any natural disasters, could you be satisfied with heaven, if Christ was not there?

Yikes! What a question! It pierces my heart. Chan writes about how when we are in love, we want to spend every moment with the person we adore. We are supposed to be madly in love with God, yet I struggle regularly with simply trusting Him. Do I long for His presence so much that I would refuse to have Heaven without Him?

I have been reading an interesting book called Follow Me about the history of "intentional" Christian communities, from monasteries to the Baptists. I am learning a lot about church history, but I am struck by how many of the stories are the same. Someone hears the gospel, or reads the Bible, or has a vision from God. This person then literally sells everything they have and begins to follow Jesus, changing the world in the process.

Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant seeking fine pearls, and upon finding one pearl of great value, he went and sold all that he had and bought it. - Matthew 13:45-46

Would I sell all that I have, my friends, my possessions, my life, to have only God? Would I walk away from everything I know, everything that brings me comfort, if it was the only way to truly know God? Do I even value God? How much?

Increasingly, I am understanding that truly obeying Jesus, truly following Him, is to live a life that appears "radical" to our world. My life doesn't look radical at the moment. It looks mostly normal. But I know that it cannot stay this way. I don't know what the changes will look like, but I know that something(s) need changing.

I don't know how to fall in love on purpose. I have only ever fallen in love on accident, without trying. I want to fall in love with God so much, that I would sell everything I have just to be with Him. I want to love God so much that the idea of spending time apart from Him is physically painful to me. I want to love God with all my heart and soul and mind, just as He deserves.

Men & Women

2009-09-10T23:37:00.006-08:00

My friend Mariah and I have frequent conversations about the deplorable state of relationships between men and women. I've been thinking about this a lot lately. Where did we go so wrong? And why is everyone content to move forward with lies and miscommunication and resignation, instead of doing something to fight against it?

I have seen so many guys succumb to the "real men are cavemen" syndrome, it's actually enough to make me want to swear off people altogether. Apparently all real, manly men swear and drink and fart and enjoy their precious time until they are "tamed" by a woman.

Women, on the other hand, often fall prey to the "real women have a man" syndrome--the lie that says that you can't be a true woman without a relationship. Without one they must be miserable, and they devote themselves to constantly hunting. After a while, any man looks attractive!

There are, of course, many, many lies other than these two, but these are pretty rampant. I can think of quite a few people I've known who have bought into either one. They either accept it, hook line and sinker, without question, or they resign themselves. "That's just the way things are."

No. No. No. That may be the way things are, but it is not the way things should be. Men and women are different. Of course they are! They have different ways of relating and different natural tendencies. But that isn't some giant insurmountable obstacle! That doesn't mean that they are doomed to never understand each other.

I've been reading Genesis for my church group, and I was struck once again by the beauty of the story. God's creation of the world is so intentional, so beautiful. He takes each step carefully and thoughtfully. He gives us a picture of the inherent tendencies of the sexes in the story. I was struck in my recent reading by how women are created specifically for relation. They are created as companions. They are designed to relate.

The kicker is... so are men! Men were not created to be alone. They were created to be in relation with God. In fact, Adam was so relational, that he needed a companion!

How is it that men can think that women will "tame" them? God said, "It is not good for man to be alone" and then created the perfect companion for Adam. God designed men and women to compliment each other. Not to tear each other down. Not to dominate each other. But to work together in relationship.

There is such a lack of true manhood and true womanhood in our society that it is no wonder things are all askew. Men are rarely taught what it means to be man and women rarely get an education in true womanhood. Instead we buy into lies that men are base and crass, while women are sexual and needy.

Because men and women were designed as companions for each other, I believe that only a man call truly call a woman into the fullness of being a woman and only a woman can call a man into the fullness of being a man. We hear so much (especially in the Christian culture) about how father-daughter relationships are crucial to a girl's self-esteem and psychological health. A girl needs her father to tell her that she is beautiful and worth loving as a woman.

It surprises me, however, that no one seems to talk much about mother-son relationships. When we have oodles of psychological disorders (Oedipus complex anyone?) for the broken mother-son relationships, why doesn't this get any attention? Everyone knows what a "mamma's boy" is. We know when relational boundaries have been crossed. So why don't we talk about what a healthy mother-son relationship is? How a son needs his mother to tell him that he is a good man, capable and strong.

I am somewhat digressing from my topic, but it is all related. Instead of attempting to repair relations between men and women, most people just say hurtful things. Boys are stupid. Girls are nothing but drama. Guys are jerks. Women are needy and demanding. Cavemen. Sluts. If we even took the rather dramatic step of being kind to each other, of biting our tongue when we are tempted to make broad negative generalizations, that would be a step.

I think the first step, though, is learning how to treat each other with respect. Men need to learn how to respect women as women, each beautiful and worthy of honor. Women need to learn how to respect men as men, each adventurous and worthy of honor. What does that even mean? To honor someone? Do we even know anymore?

I don't always post rants, and I know this is kind of a rant, but I am greatly disturbed by this topic. I don't always understand guys. In fact, often I don't. But I also struggle to understand women. Relationship is about learning to understand each other. It's hard work. It's complicated sometimes. In the end, though, we are perfectly capable of learning to have healthy relationships, no matter the sex of the other person. And we have the power to change our culture, but it will take a little more effort than I see most people putting forth.

From Honeymoon to Death

2009-09-09T22:44:00.000-08:00

When someone first starts to deeply experience God, whether that person is a brand new Christian or a life-long Christian who never really got past the Sunday service before, he or she enters a honeymoon period. God is amazing, merciful, and loving. The overwhelming truth of that pervades the entire relationship with Him. We weep and laugh and rest in the assurance that God is good and that He loves us completely as we are.

The honeymoon period is a necessary part of developing a relationship with God. We have to be able to feel, in the very core of our being, His goodness and His love. We need to be assured that God both forgives us and delights in us. Just like a marriage, however, the honeymoon can't last forever. Eventually, reality sets in.

Reality with God is awesome and amazing, but very, very difficult. Suddenly God starts whispering things like, "Did you hear that bitterness in your voice? Not okay. Let's talk about that." He asks us to face our past, to correct our behaviors, to love others in a deeper way than ever before. He calls us to be more like Christ every day. To live a new life, to be transformed. (Romans 12:1-2)

At this point, the glow starts to wear off a little. Suddenly everything seems like a lot of work. People start to seem extra irritating. Situations arise that test our patience and our morals. God asks us to starts asking us to do hard things like confess our sins, repent, change old habits, and forgive others.

It's astonishing how many people stop pursuing God at this point. They may continue to go to church, but the fire of loving God dies. Once that initial passion cools, they would rather go through the motions than actually put forth the effort to change.

Instead of stopping their pursuit of God, some people just change it. They are continually changing churches or ministries or communities. They want God to look and be a certain way. Every time they look for Him, they don't see Him because He doesn't look like they want Him to. No matter where they turn, He is still asking them to buckle down and slog through the mess of "working out their salvation," and they won't accept that. (Philippians 2:12-13)

Then there are the people who get bitter, who wonder where the loving, merciful God has gone. They don't just let their love for God fade, they let it transform into anger and hatred. Where are You? Where did You go? What kind of God are You to behave one way and then just disappear?

Why do we do it? Why are we so unwilling to work through the crap in our lives? God is trying to refine us like silver (Zechariah 13:9). He wants to make something glorious out of our lives. He wants us to reflect Him like a mirror. What an honor! What a joy! But how can we reflect Him when we are covered in the dung of woundedness, sin, and oppression?

There is no magical way to build a deeply joyful and trusting relationship with God. There is no "right" community or ministry or church where you can do nothing but sit in the glow of your salvation. Christ calls us to pick up our cross and follow Him. We must die to ourselves (Ephesians 4:22-24). Dying to ourselves is no honeymoon. But it allows us to be reborn into something more glorious than we could ever imagine.

Mature Faith

2009-09-08T10:00:00.001-08:00

I've been wrestling with God lately, and I started to ponder: What is mature faith? What does a mature faith look like?

I don't know if my faith is a mature faith, but I do know that my faith is significantly stronger now than even a year ago. I am more willing to wrestle with God, and ultimately, I am more willing to do whatever He asks of me. I still have fears and doubts, I still get angry and sulk, but I have a peace and confidence and trust that I never had before.

In a passage about living a worthy life, Paul writes that one day we will achieve unity and not be "tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching." I feel that mature faith is being secure, being stable. It does not mean that you will have a peaceful journey. I think that sometimes we think that if we have enough faith, we will never experience storms. In fact, the farther one goes into the ocean of following Christ, the stormier the weather can be.

Instead, I think that the more faith a person has, the more she can rest in letting God handle the ship--to the point that one can even step out into the stormy waves and walk on water.

Walking with God is easily the hardest thing I've ever done, and I expect it to remain so for the rest of my life. Yet, the further I go, the deeper my peace. As I walk, my peace is based in experience, not theory. It is based in the history of my own life, not my knowledge of the lives of others. I have stepped out, I have fallen, I have triumphed. In all of that, I have been overwhelmingly loved and lovingly led by God. It's not that my life is less chaotic, less stormy, it's simply that my heart is more steady. What peace and assurance there is to be able truly to say that God loves me and that He will never leave me!

Some days, I don't like God. Some days, He asks me to do impossible things. On those days, I tend to lose focus on Jesus and see the storm around me instead. But I am learning to trust that He will watch me turn my focus to the waves, reach out, and lift me up by His hand, rescuing me from drowning, even while the storm continues. Each time He does that, I am able to stay a little more focused on Him the next time.

Broken and Hard

2009-08-30T13:36:00.004-08:00

Everyone is broken. There is no human being on earth that isn't broken in some way. It's part of the human condition. Often, people's brokenness can be completely heartbreaking. I've been thinking today, however, that there are two different kinds of broken people. There are the broken people who know their broken and there are the broken people who think they're okay. I find the latter to be much more heartbreaking than the former.

I don't know if it's pride, or ignorance, or just willful avoidance, but there are an awful lot of broken people who ride along in life thinking they are okay. They say and do things sometimes that they don't quite understand. But mostly, their life doesn't look too bad (comparatively, of course), and they think that they've managed to survive quite nicely. Even thrive!

But God can't do much with someone who doesn't think they have any problems. That person is of no use to Him. They don't really need Him. Maybe they pay Him lip service, show up at church, or even lead a small group. But God won't work miracles with them.

People who are painfully and obviously and knowingly broken are actually people who bring me great joy. My heart breaks for them, but I also have the joy of knowing that they don't have to stay there. They don't have to live as that broken person for forever. They can be made new, clean. There is a sadness in brokenness, but there is also a great rejoicing. God can use broken people. God can heal them, restore them, teach them, and then send them out to do His will. Because they will listen to Him. They will follow.

People who aren't desperate, people who are broken and who blindly believe they are content to remain that way, those people break my heart and there is no joy. Only frustration and pain that I cannot show them their brokenness. I cannot make them see how much they need God. That is something they have to figure out for themselves. Instead, I must learn to cope with them, to set boundaries with them, to pray for God to soften their hearts.

There is a verse that has always really disturbed me. Romans 9: 18 - Therefore God has mercy on whom he wants to have mercy, and he hardens whom he wants to harden. Even in the context of the greater passage, I think that is terrifying! Brokenness is sad. A hardened heart is a true tragedy.

Daily Thought #9: Avoidance

2009-08-29T22:23:00.003-08:00

Have you ever had a habit or something that you suspected was wrong? The kind of thing where every time you do it or think about it, a little voice starts piping up in your head, "Um, I'm not sure that this is okay." You know you should go ask God what He thinks. Just in case the voice is not your conscience and is instead some other voice trying to make you feel guilty. Only you don't want to. Because if it is wrong, then you'll have to deal with it and change your behavior. So you just keep avoiding the issue. Pretending like everything is okay. "These are not the droids your looking for."

I'm so there right now.

Daily Thought #8: Friendship

2009-08-26T09:27:00.005-08:00

I had a lovely evening last night hanging out with a good friend I haven't seen in months. I'm not sure there's anything more delightful than sharing fun and food and good conversation with people we love! I've been thinking about the whole process of building deep relationships.

It's intriguing how often Jesus was found eating with people. Or feeding them! He constantly sat down and "broke bread" with people. I think there's something about sharing a meal and conversation that really is bonding. It creates connections that can be very deep and meaningful. Especially when the conversation and the food are great!

There are many, many ways to build relationships with people. Some things are pretty consistently winning relationship builders: sharing a meal together, praying together (openly and honestly), and serving others together. Those three things create bonds that are based on more than just memory, they are spiritual. Spiritual friendships--truly deep, spiritual friendships--are one of the greatest gifts in this life. And the next!

Too many people live in a world of shallow relationships. Building a spiritually deep friendship takes extensive amounts of time and honesty. It's actually scary. I'm not sure why it's so terrifying, but being honest about who we are and how we feel and what we think is truly difficult. The process illuminates our flaws and dredges up our fears. It compels us to learn how to love others in a healthy way. It is the Biblical process of iron sharpening iron.

The rewards, however, are beyond imagination. To have someone who knows you and loves you for who you are. To have someone who can help you when you need support. To have someone whom you can love and support! A spiritual friendship is a great and wonderful gift. But it is a gift that requires a lot of blood, sweat and tears. And it is entirely worth the effort.

August/NaBloPoMo/Tomorrow

2009-08-25T12:11:00.004-08:00

I definitely fail at posting every day this month! In reality, I've been out of town for two weekends, sick for one, and now school is starting. I probably picked the wrong month to challenge myself. Oh, well.

My life is about to get crazy again. I'll be back to having classes or activities almost every night of the week, with plenty of catching up on homework for the weekends. I am definitely more in the habit of blogging again, so hopefully I can keep up fairly regular updates despite being busy.

I've been thinking a lot about what I want lately. About the direction I would love to take in my life. I get so frustrated though, because it all feels impossible. God has been pretty clearly telling me for a few days that I just need to be patient and wait for it. That is NOT my best skill.

I feel like God is telling me that I have about three more years of waiting. THREE YEARS! That feels like an eternity, although the last three years have flown by very quickly. I guess it's the instant gratification culture I live in. I just want everything to happen now. Not tomorrow. Certainly not three years' worth of tomorrows!

God should be less specific sometimes.

Daily Thought #7: Tomorrow

2009-08-20T22:08:00.004-08:00

The more I follow God, the more uncertain I am about what will come next for me and the more peace I have in uncertainty.

Boxing, Pt. 2

2009-08-19T14:44:00.008-08:00

I wrote a post last week attempting to express my frustration at how people try to box God in. My friend, Mindy, wrote a very long and thoughtful comment and I am now writing again to address some of her concerns. I hate/like when people write comments because I usually realize that I've not been nearly as clear as I think I have and have instead opened the door to a lot of misinterpretation...

I'm not totally sure how to do this, so I guess I'll just quote pieces of Mindy and then respond.

My main reaction is that wanting to "bust God out of the box" is a distinctly human drive because we get bored easily and want excitement and newness.

Ha! We do get bored, don't we? I never really intended to say that we need to "bust God out of the box" but rather that we need to be careful not to box God up and limit Him. Which is sort of the same, but not quite! God very clearly sets out distinctions of His character and actions, but, as humans, we tend to put God under limitations that He never said He has.

If you look at how God revealed Himself to the Israelites, He moved fantastically. Burning bushes, cloud pillars, etc. But what He handed down to the Israelites was very specific and detailed. It involved lifestyle, traditions, etc. He did not, by any stretch of the imagination, say, "Go forth now and just have one heck of a time doing whatever you want in order to worship Me."

I'm pretty sure the whole episode of the golden calf proves this point! Although, alternatively, He also gave them some serious leeway sometimes. (See Deuteronomy 14: 22-27.)

After pondering and praying about this, I came to the conclusion that, in re: to the Church that Jesus started, it DOES matter, deeply, what His intentions were. What traditions were important to Him? How did He want us to be close to Him? Looking at how there are innumerable "versions" and translations of the Bible, how can we take for granted that we are not deceiving ourselves with our desire for infinite change and excitement?

It DOES matter what Jesus' intentions were and what God's intentions are. I agree. Much of church history has been the struggle of trying to understand God's intentions. Some are very clear (salvation). Others are not as clear (church leadership, bishops, etc.). We have a constant push and pull to try and understand from the Scriptures what it is that God intend(s)(ed).

I do, however, think we need to be careful about claiming that we know exactly what God's intentions were/are. Like I said, some things are very clear. Others are somewhat ambiguous. It tends to be in the ambiguous areas that so much church division takes place. When we form a belief that God does something a certain way or that Jesus meant something very specific in a difficult-to-interpret statement, we can often start building walls for God that He never meant. I honestly feel like some Protestant sects have really nailed this one. Legalism is a huge maze of walls we build attempting to assert what God does and doesn't do.

In my estimation, it matters what He meant by this. It matters that this is how Jesus said we should know him and live IN him. It's a big deal. When I started thinking about this, I realized,"How can I go to the Baptists, for instance, or the Protestants in order to understand what Jesus meant by this?" I wouldn't ask the new CEO of Microsoft exactly what was on Bill Gates' heart when he started the company. But I can get as close as I can... I can read his diary, read the letters of his closest friends and followers and try to figure that out.

Agreed. Always, always, back to the Bible. The further we get from the Bible, the more trouble we get in.

As for the whole issue of the Eucharist, I didn't mean to imply that this was a minor point of theology. It's definitely huge. Nor did I mean that it was a "new church start-up." All in all, I think I actually just picked a super flawed example for my point!

I guess I have a few general things to say about all of this.

First, I believe that tradition is important in Christianity. God very clearly set out traditions for us to observe (communion being an obvious and crucial one). These traditions connect us to God and connect us to the larger historical and current body of the Church. They are necessary and good.

Sadly, tradition can also be a hindrance to Christianity. It becomes a hindrance when the meaning is lost and no one really knows why they do something anymore except that it's always been done that way.

Second, I think that I probably was very unclear about what I meant by boxing God in. Mostly, I think I meant on a personal level. I build boxes for God all the time without even realizing it. I see God work a certain way and then I always expect Him to work that way. Or I am dubious when someone says that God did something, because, in my mind, He wouldn't do that.

I think that we unconsciously start to build these rules that our experience of God is the same as everyone else's. And if they're experience doesn't fit, we doubt. Or we go so far as to literally deny. Not only that, but we often limit what we ourselves will ask for ourselves, because we have these ideas that God will or won't do things. "God helps those who help themselves." Or we sit around, not moving, because we want God to pull us out of our mess without any effort on our part. Our experience is extrapolated onto others. Perhaps we force others' experience onto our own.

I think what I meant was simply that we need to be very careful about the limits we place on God. In fact, we should not place any limits on God. But we should also be very careful to search out and understand the limits He has placed on Himself. Sometimes God behaves exactly as we expect and know He will. Sometimes, we miss Him entirely because He behaves differently. Be careful about your expectations. Be careful about your walls. Make sure they are of God and not of yourself.

Snap Outta It!

2009-08-18T13:09:00.004-08:00

I was pondering deeply this morning. Mulling over the rather sad fact that I have been quite self-centered lately. Part of that has simply been that I have had a lot to deal with in my life, but part of it has just been me being self-centered. I was feeling so heavy about this, that I finally took a break from work and went outside. I feel like I've been a bad friend, an ungrateful creation, and just all around selfish. I've watched my friends struggling the past few weeks and I feel like I've had nothing to offer them, because I've been so fixated on my own stuff.

As I was pondering this, I was asking what I'm missing. What have I missed that I have let myself descend this far? And God said, "Joy. The joy of the Lord." It was like a light bulb went on for me in a dark room. I have not felt joyful in a while. I'm not even sure how long. And I feel like as I have been losing joy, I've let the joy go out of some of my relationships. Especially my relationship with God. I'm missing the joy.

I looked up the phrase "joy of the Lord" on BibleGateway (great site!). I know I've heard the phrase a lot before, but imagine my surprise when there was only one result for that exact phrase (in English)! In three different versions! And it came from Nehemiah.

In Ezra-Nehemiah, the book of the Law is rediscovered in Jerusalem. They haven't read the book in hundreds of years. They haven't kept the traditions. When the book is found, Nehemiah sends for all the people and they gather together and listen to the Law being read. All the people listen and begin weeping. They realize that they have failed in carrying out God's commandments. They begin to weep. Then, something surprising happens.

Then Nehemiah the governor, Ezra the priest and scribe, and the Levites who were instructing the people said to them all, "This day is sacred to the LORD your God. Do not mourn or weep." For all the people had been weeping as they listened to the words of the Law.

Nehemiah said, "Go and enjoy choice food and sweet drinks, and send some to those who have nothing prepared. This day is sacred to our Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength."

The Levites calmed all the people, saying, "Be still, for this is a sacred day. Do not grieve."

They proclaim a feast and everyone goes out and buys food for himself and his neighbor and they eat and celebrate!

It's so easy to get stuck in a pit, focused on ourselves and our own failings. Or to focus on what we don't have. What we want. What we need. At least, I certainly find it easy to live in the negative! Over and over in the Old Testament, God commands the Israelites to rejoice, to celebrate, even when everything is hard. So today, instead of wallowing like a pig in my own yuck, I have decided to make my prayer the prayer of Habakkuk:

Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the LORD,
I will be joyful in God my Savior.
The Sovereign LORD is my strength;
he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
he enables me to go on the heights.

Hmmm...

2009-08-18T09:45:00.002-08:00

I think I need to ban myself from writing blog posts right before bed. I tend to feel very negative when I'm tired. Last night, I was definitely throwing myself quite the self-indulgent pity party. My apologies for that.

I'll be Fine

2009-08-17T23:17:00.004-08:00

Today, while responding to some disappointing news, I heard myself saying, "It's okay. I'll be fine. I always am." I've said that a lot in my life. In fact, I remember being a young teenager, maybe 14, and I suddenly realized that even if my parents died in a tragic car accident, I would be fine. I would survive. I would be okay. Perhaps some people would find this comforting. I did not. It actually sparked a worry in me that there was something wrong with me and I was emotionally detached from people in an unhealthy way. That worry lasted for years.

Some days, the thought, "I'll be fine" can be comforting. Like at a really bad party. You think, "This will be over before I even know it. I'll be waking up in the morning soon and I'll be fine." And it's comforting. It brings patience.

It says in the Bible that all things work together for good for those who love God and are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28). That's scripture. It's true. And many days it's comforting. It brings hope and life.

Some days, the thought, "I'll be fine" isn't comforting in the slightest. I don't want to be fine. I want the entire world to come to a screeching halt and stand in sympathy at the fact that I'm not fine. To pause until my situation is resolved. So many times, being fine isn't about resolution of a situation, it's simply about coming to terms with it. Often, we cannot control the situation. We control how we react and what we learn and how we move on. Which determines whether we are fine or not.

This summer I have actually been not-fine more than most of my previous life put together. I have had a lot of breakdowns and a lot of struggles. But always there's that voice: This won't kill you. You'll cry and be angry and grow up a little. You'll be fine.

Maybe I'm just selfish. Maybe I want the world to revolve around me. But honestly, I don't want to be fine all the time. I want issues to change around me instead of me changing around issues. I guess that's not how it works. I guess I need to stop throwing my little fits and move on with life.

Rambling about Expectation

2009-08-15T22:20:00.005-08:00

I'm sure I read in a book somewhere that one should always beware of making promises one can't keep. Or maybe it was a movie. Either way, it's something I seem to do a lot. Makes me feel a little jerk-y.

What I really want to do is to write a beautiful well-thought out response to my friend Mindy's comment on my blog post from a few days ago. But I don't feel well today. Definitely fighting off a bug. Thus, I have not the energy or wherewithal to write anything too deep.

Some days, I want to know what the future holds. Some days, I'm terrified of the thought. This last year has seen some massive changes in my life, both internally and externally. God has brought me through fire and water. I know that He has been faithful to me, and that He will be. Yet, I still struggle with Him.

One of the things I've really been struggling with lately is a sense of entitlement. I have done some very hard things at God's command and I feel like I should receive some kind of blessing or protection or something in return. Which is, of course, exactly the opposite of what Jesus said life would be like. Jesus said following Him is dangerous and would bring trouble in this life. I know that. And yet, the struggle lives on.

Human nature and our culture both promote such a strong give-so-you-can-get ideology. I obey God because I know that He knows more than me and sees more than me and only has my very best in mind because He loves me so much more than I can fathom. In spite of that, I struggle with expecting certain things from Him in return. From expecting that my life will look a certain way. Or that I'll earn some kind of reward.

But I do have a promise. "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." That is my promise. I just need to stop expecting the comfort to look a certain way. And to stop thinking that I deserve it. I'm not better than my Savior and His life didn't appear very blessed to the logical eye.

A Brief Note

2009-08-14T22:43:00.005-08:00

Okay, so I missed yesterday's post. And this isn't much of a post. But I promise two deep musings for the weekend. For now, I'm exhausted, and I instead share a lovely idea of how the world should be.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dkYZ6rbPU2M

And also:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ul1Yb8nm_X8

Boxing

2009-08-12T23:04:00.006-08:00

I've been thinking a lot this week about how we try so hard to keep God in a box. I think everyone is guilty of this to some extent. Because we all have expectations and hopes and desires and we want God to fit those or meet those or behave a certain way.

When I was little, I went to a rather strict Baptist church (no pants, girls!). It's pretty easy to see how they boxed God in. God is a certain way, He does certain things, He allows and doesn't allow certain behavior. It was a very small box for God to live in. It was an easy box to see.

Now that I don't belong to such a strict branch of Christianity, I like to think that I don't box God in. That I am ready to see Him however He is. But that's not always true. Sometimes, I want God to look a certain way. Sometimes, I want Him to behave a certain way. Sometimes, I say, "God does or doesn't do that thing." But is it true?

In a lot of ways, I think this is what separates many of the "flavors" of Christianity. Our beliefs that God is or isn't a certain way, that He does or doesn't do certain things. We get so stuck in these places, that we splinter off. We start our own church where we DO NOT do infant baptism, or where we DO NOT drink alcohol or where the communion IS the actual flesh of Jesus. We create boxes for God and then we separate ourselves from those who have different God-boxes.

There are many things that we know about God for sure. He is good, just, merciful, jealous, love. We also know many things about what He will and will not do. He will accept the repentant sinner. He will always love us, no matter what. He will always keep His promises. I think we get confused, though. I know I certainly do. I think that because I understand certain aspects of God's character or because I have seen God work in a certain way before, I know how He will do something or I know what He thinks about something. But do I?

My best friend and I were talking today about how the more you know someone, the more dangerous miscommunication becomes. You start to understand how the other person works and what they do and what they like. They start to understand you in the same way. Then you begin to assume. You assume that they will know you feel a certain way. After all, you know each other so well. How could they not know how you feel? I can't believe they didn't know! Do they even know me at all? Are we even really friends??? Suddenly, the joy of familiarity transforms into the bitter disappointment of unmet expectations. We think we know someone, or that they know us, so we stop asking, we stop talking. We stop communicating clearly, and then we are disappointed and disenchanted and downright hurt when they somehow miss our unspoken expectation.

Don't we do that to God all the time? I know people who have been looking for God for a long time. But everytime they catch a glimpse of Him, He doesn't look like they want Him to look. So they keep looking. Or we start to feel really comfortable with God, and we ask for something, and God doesn't respond the way we assume He will. So we miss it entirely. Or worse, we feel like He has betrayed us.

I've heard it said that God never does the same thing twice. Why would He? If you were creative enough to design this fantastical world that we live in, why would you ever repeat yourself exactly? We have to be so careful. We can't keep God in a box. Any box. He is too big for that. And when we try to put Him in a box crafted of our own expectations and our own opinions, we are the ones who truly lose out on discovering more about our fathomless Father.

How I Find Myself

2009-08-11T08:00:00.000-08:00

It's a strange thing to keep a blog. When I write, I have no idea who might read it. If anyone reads it at all, really. Yet, I write. I'm not writing about some particular aspect of life. I don't blog about food or fashion or raising kids. I just write about myself and God and the world as I see it.

I was thinking about how much I share about myself on this blog yesterday. I have written about some deeply personal matters, but always just the part between myself and God. I cannot write about the people in my life here. It seems disrespectful. This isn't a diary. Yet, much of what I write about is happening because of my relationships with others, even though I don't directly write about them. It is through relationship that we are broken and through relationship that we find healing.

Relationships--deep, meaningful, challenging relationships--are the key to life, I think. Before humans ever existed, God was in relationship. Father, Son, and Holy Spirit together, in loving relationship. Weird, but true. Because we have been created by God, we are designed to be in relationship, too. With God and with others. Humans are capable of existing without interaction with others, but it is hardly an existence.

Learning to relate deeply with others has been the single greatest lesson of the last three years of my life. It is through the relationships I have developed that I have been pushed and grown and encouraged and loved into who I am now. It is through relationship that I have seen more and more of who God is. It is through relationship that God is able to refine who I am and the way I see the world.

America is such a driven, independent society. And Alaska may top the list of most-independently minded people. We don't need anyone else. The only person keeping my dreams from coming true is me. If I work hard enough, I can have everything I want. It is a land of opportunity and a land of horrifying isolation. Whether we are too busy to have real friends, or whether we don't think we need them, as a nation, we seem to believe we are just fine on our own.

We aren't. No one is fine on their own. The New Testament is written by a group of people who were in deep relationship with each other. They were constantly sending messengers and letters to each other, visiting each other, praying for each other. Paul begins nearly all of his letters with a comment about how much he longs to see the ones to whom he writes. To encourage them and to be encouraged.

Building deep relationships is difficult. It requires commitment, courage, and a little bit of insanity. But the more I learn and the deeper I go, the better person I am. As I am loved by others, I begin to truly know how much God loves me. The more I love others, the more I know how much God loves me. Even when my heart is broken completely, it helps me to know God more. Relationships help me to find myself and to find myself in Him.

Why I Blog

2009-08-10T22:50:00.004-08:00

I just watched a rather lovely movie about a woman who blogs. I'm talking about Julie & Julia, a movie which I completely enjoyed. in addition to an evening's entertainment, I also found renewed inspiration to keep writing in my blog. Not that I think I'll end up with thousands of fans and a book and movie contract, of course. ;)

It has been exactly one year and 34 days since I started this blog. I only have 119 posts to show for it, for an average of one post every 3.4 days. At 880 hits, that averages to 7.4 visits per posting. Not too bad, really! Althought some of those hits are probably me since I forgot to block my new IP address from the hit counter after I got a wireless router...

But honestly, why do I even blog? It's a good question, and one I'm not sure I've really asked myself. I blog for a number of reasons:

First, writing about my thoughts and questions and ponderings helps me to clarify what I think. I have an extremely difficult time talking about my emotions and getting my thoughts into a coherent and sensical pattern. Writing helps me do that.

Second, I guess I hope that maybe my ponderings will be thought provoking for someone else and set them to pondering. I want everyone to be thinking and praying and asking questions in life, not just skating through. I hope that if I share what I'm thinking and praying and asking questions about, maybe someone else will be inspired to do the same.

Third, I have a few blogging friends who make up the majority of my support! My friends encourage me and since I love reading their blogs, I hope they like reading mine.

I guess that's why I blog. Nothing exciting or life changing. Just a way for me to share what's on my heart with the vast world "out there." I hope you enjoy it.

Valdez

2009-08-09T19:28:00.005-08:00

I just returned from a very lovely trip with two of my very closest friends. We spent 15 hours in a car together, went fishing, hiking, and exploring, stayed in the tiniest little one-room cabin, and generally enjoyed ourselves immensely.

Some things I learned:

I was misinformed as a child and Valdez is not pronounced "Val-deez" because it is a Russian word. It was actually named by a Spanish explorer and the name is just mispronounced.

I can wear child-sized SmartWool socks, thereby cutting the cost in half!

Mark Wahlberg was a rapper known as "Markie Mark" before becoming an actor. I actually find this somewhat horrifying.

Mariah becomes completely immune to noticing the windshield wipers after a few minutes and will therefore let them continue long after it stops raining.

Upon witnessing a marvelous sight, your bellybutton will fall open and you won't be able to catch your junebug. Thank you, Mad Libs.

Valdez is composed mostly of mountains capped by glaciers and covered in waterfalls. It's truly a beautiful place.

My car's fan stays on long after you turn off the engine when you are four-wheeling in first gear for extended periods of time. Also, it will four-wheel well, despite being a two-wheel drive car. ;)

Mariah and Erika are incapable of conversing for over ten minutes without breaking into a foreign accent.

Sheep Mountain Lodge has super yummy food. We stopped both ways.

I'm sure I learned many more wonderful things, but this will do for now. And I barely missed any blog posts!

Going Out of Town

2009-08-06T08:00:00.001-08:00

I know I committed to posting once a day, every day, for the entire month of August. But I'm definitely going out of town tonight on a road trip, and I am just too busy to be able to draft posts ahead of time. Therefore, I will make up for it by posting extra posts when I return. Until then, I leave you with this thoughtful quotation from John Wesley:

Whether we think of, or speak to, God, whether we act or suffer for Him, all is prayer, when we have no other object than his love ,and the desire of pleasing Him. All that a Christian does, even in eating and sleeping, is prayer, when it is done in simplicity, according to the order of God. In souls filled with love, the desire to please God is a continual prayer.

Born Again

2009-08-05T00:00:00.000-08:00

It's funny the phrases Christians throw around sometimes, never stopping to imagine what a non-"insider" might think when they hear it. Transformation is a pretty big buzzword at my church. Come, experience real transformation in a relationship with God. What are we even talking about when we say that? Many people will say things like, "I'm not the person I used to be. I'm a totally different person now." So who are you? Who did you become?

In a lot of ways, the answer is obvious and yet completely upside down. Because the answer is, I became me. I'm becoming more and more myself every day. I'm not changing into some new person. I'm becoming the person I was designed to be. The person I was before I grew up in a messed up world, being hurt and hurting others. Before I bought into all the lies of the enemy. Before I bought into the lies of my own heart.

Jesus knew what He was doing when He spoke. Every word was measured. It was no accident that when Nicodemus came to Jesus and asked, "What must I do to be saved?" Jesus answered, "You must be born again." You must be born again into a new life. You must be born again and go back to the original thought I had when I created you. The perfect person I had in mind before you were born. And be born as that person. Grow as that person. Develop as that person.

The process of transformation is the process of rediscovering who we are. Our entire lives, we are constantly being told that who we are deep inside is not okay. Natural leaders are told that they are bossy and annoying. Artistic boys are told that they are sissies. Boisterous, outgoing kids have a parent who is constantly telling them to shut up. In our families, at school, at jobs, in the media, there is a constant barrage of voices subtly telling us "You are not okay. Who you are is not good enough, is not right."

The extreme joy of developing a relationship with God is that He knows exactly who you are, and He loves you. Every part of you. He also knows exactly who you are underneath all the layers and the baggage and the facades. He wants to help you be born again. Into the person you never even realized you were. As you step into the place of that person, it's terrifying and the most amazingly beautiful experience you will ever have.

Do you know who you are? Really are. Deep down, below everything? Are you willing to let God take you all the way back to the beginning and teach you who you are and who He created you to be? Are you willing to be born again?

Today I found myself
After searching all these years
And the man that I saw, he wasn't at all who I thought he'd be

I was lost when You found me here
And I was broken beyond repair
Then You came along and You sang Your song over me

It feels like I'm born again
It feels like I'm living
For the very first time
For the very first time
In my life

-From Born Again by Third Day

My Dream - Part 2

2009-08-04T08:00:00.000-08:00

I wrote about the first part of my dream the other day, but not the second. I'm actually a little afraid to talk about this part of my dream. Because it's sort of a baby dream. It's still kind of unformed and immature and I don't really know what it's going to look like.

The second part of my dream is a community home. I'm not totally sure how to explain this, although I think the term New Monasticism may apply. I don't know. I haven't read much on New Monasticism, but I like the tiny little bit I do know.

What I dream is a home full of people. All kinds of people, single and married with kids. Maybe a widow or widower. All living together, sharing life. And not just sharing a space, but sharing commitment. Commitment to God, commitment to each other, and commitment to serving others.

Basically, we're talking old-school throwback to Acts here. Christians, living together, worshipping together, sharing the crap in life together, and reaching out to their communities. I especially love that one of the "signs" of New Monasticism is that the communities are placed in "the abandoned places of Empire." The places no one really wants to be. For all you Anchoragites, I'm thinking Fairview or maybe Mountain View.

Like I said, this is a baby idea. But I would really like this house to have a large yard so we can have a big garden. Enough to share food with our neighbors. I don't even know what reaching out to the community around us would look like. I really don't. But I want to know. I want to learn and find out.

I don't know if this will happen. Or when. But it's something I'm quite seriously dreaming about at the moment. I don't think I'll let this one be a castle in the sky. I want, with all my heart, to live in a space with others where God is the center and we live and breath and having our being in Him.

Shop Local

2009-08-03T19:41:00.003-08:00

This post is not a deep pondering, but if I'm going to post every single day this month, some posts will be random! I would really like to buy all local, all organic, all hand-made, all those hip and popular keywords. But I live in Alaska. And if I bought only local food, I would be living on potatoes and carrots. Although, happily, there is plenty of tasty meat to be had. But no fruit, except berries.

Also, buying local, hand-made, organic stuff is expensive. Perhaps if I budgeted wisely, and was not as obsessed with things as I am, I could budget it in. I don't, however. I don't have a lot of time to be doing that.

That's the other thing. If I had time and resources, I would actually prefer to grow as much of my own food as possible and to sew my own clothes. Which I can actually do. If I had time.

I wonder sometimes what it's like to live in someplace like Portland or Seattle. Can you eat local and buy all handmade and organic and still pay your rent? And still have time to hang out with people? Or is that a dream that only a select few money-rich "granola-crunchers" can achieve? I wonder...

On a positive note, I discovered that http://www.etsy.com/ has a "Shop Local" section and there are 100 vendors in Alaska! That's pretty cool. I'm already starting to think about Christmas shopping...

Loving Someone

2009-08-02T08:26:00.000-08:00

I wrote a sentence down on a sticky some weeks ago and I just found it again: "True friendship is learning to love the other person apart from yourself." I don't think that's everything that true friendship is, but it certainly is an important part of it.

So often our relationships with others are completely intertwined with what we "get" from the relationship or the person. It can be easy to so interweave another's motives with our own that we actually don't understand why they do anything because we can't stand back far enough to see. Or, as Bonhoeffer describes, we try to "consume" the other person. To absorb from them what we need to and to destroy anything else. That sounds harsh, but it's remarkably true.

In reality, learning to love someone is about learning to love them as a person completely separate from oneself. As a person whose thoughts and actions, while they affect you, are not part of you or even resultant of you. In other words, that the friend operates as a person apart.

It is not until we can see a person apart from our own selves and motives and needs that we can actually love them for who they are. When we aren't expecting anything from them. When we aren't trying to change them. When we aren't trying to use them to fill a need in our own heart. When we can look at the person and say, "You are you and I am me and God loves us both where we are." That is the beginning of loving someone.

Tomorrow

2009-08-01T12:08:00.006-08:00

The theme for this month's NaBloPoMo is "Tomorrow." I find it a somewhat amusing and timely theme since I feel rather like I am sitting in a place of "Wait and see" for God right now. I know He is stirring and moving and doing things, but I honestly have NO idea what He's doing. I have grown quite a lot in the last year, and I am able to sit patiently and wait to see what happens, but I am increasingly curious.

There are many, many changes in the works right now for my friends, for Kairos as a group, for my life. I know that as we push into fall, everyone is looking at back to school and last-minute summer trips. Fall is perhaps the season that is easiest to associate with change. Growing up. Despite that fact, I feel like God is really working extra hard to set up something new right now. It's not just a back-to-school change. It's something completely fresh and unexpected. I imagine it will not be instantaneous, but slowly start to take shape in the following months. I'm excited to see what it is. I know that God is good and that He plans good things.

See how the farmer waits for the land to yield its valuable crop and how patient he is for the autumn and spring rains. You too, be patient and stand firm, because the Lord's coming is near. - James 7b-8

August NaBloPoMo

2009-08-01T00:14:00.003-08:00

Okay, I've never done this before. But I realized that I am completely out of the habit of updating my blog. And my friend Mindy said she was considering doing NaBloPoMo. I decided that if she did, I would, too! I am absolutely not guaranteeing a full length post every day this month, but I will try to post something every day.

Can this post count as Day 1? ;)

My Dream - Part 1

2009-07-28T13:08:00.007-08:00

I have had a dream for a while and it won't go away. Not a literal, while-I'm-asleep dream, but a vision of something I would like to do and have one day. It's actually a two-part dream, I guess. One part I've had for somewhere around two years, and the other part has grown in the last year or so.

The first part of my dream is to open a 24-7 prayer room. Ever since I read Red Moon Rising, I' have wanted to do this. I want to open a non-denominational prayer room dedicated to having people pray there 24/7. I know that some of the Catholic churches in town already do this with their "Perpetual Adoration of the Blessed Sacrament" rooms. I'm hoping to visit a few of them to get ideas. But my dream is really a room where anyone can come. By not being associated with a particular church or "flavor" of Christianity (it would still be Christian-based), I would hope to include as many Christians and "seekers" as possible. I want it to be a place to meet God and to lift up the needs of our local friends, community, and the larger world.

I don't know how this will happen or what it will look like. But it is a dream that I have been carrying for a few years now and it has only grown in intensity rather than faded. Perhaps this is a dream that will never be realized, I don't know. I am willing to be patient and see if God opens any doors for me.

Daily Thought #6 - Ditching the Old Ways

2009-07-19T22:17:00.003-08:00

Sometimes, when I read Paul's letters, I can feel the urgency with which he wrote. I feel it because I feel it in my own heart. I've been talking with my friend Mariah a lot about the nature of relationships lately. About how people hurt each other without even meaning to. About how Christians should look different than everyone else, but we don't.

I think that one of the pitfalls of modern and "relevant" Christianity, is that we can swing too far down the "grace" road. We don't want to be judgemental. We want to be open and loving and "cool." So we start to lose whatever it is that separates us from others. We start talking and acting just like non-Christians. We blend in.

Then I read Paul's letters. We're no different than the early church. They were trying to figure out how love people and live "as aliens" in this world. But Paul is so very clear:

You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived. But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator. Here there is no Greek or Jew, circumcised or uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave or free, but Christ is all, and is in all.

Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

Do we do that? Or do we say things that the world says and then write them off as jokes, "But that's not what I really think." Do we defend ourselves with the idea that we live in a world of grace (true) where we don't have to live hemmed in by laws (also true), when really we are using that to excuse behavior that is completely unacceptable in a loving person?

We cannot keep walking in the same old ways. We have to put away anger and malice and instead take on compassion and patience. We have to stop lying to each other. We have to be honest and open and forgiving. That is the only way the world will change. How can we usher in the Kingdom of God, when when are living quite comfortably in Satan's kingdom?

I'm not saying that God doesn't have a sense of humor (He most certainly DOES, actually). I'm not saying that we need to separate ourselves apart into Amish-like faith communities. We are learning to live in the world, without being of the world. But I see too many Jesus-followers hurting each other to think that we have in any way mastered the art of loving each other as Jesus loved us. Paul was urgent because this matters. It matters so much.

Unbounded Love

2009-07-19T08:00:00.001-08:00

I watched two extraordinarily different movies about love in the past 24 hours. The first was the 2006 version of Jane Eyre by BBC. The second was a campy 1971 black comedy called Harold and Maude. I enjoyed both movies, and although they shared very little, if anything, in common, I feel like the message ended up being the same.

The enemy spends a lot of time trying to convince us that lies are actually truth. Often, he barely has to work at this, because we humans do a pretty good job of lying and hurting each other without him. But the result is still the same. Somewhere a long the way, something good is changed into something bad, or something bad loses all it's vileness and we think it is harmless or good.

In my life, one of the lies that I have bought into and fought against and sometimes conquered, is the idea that love will only bring me hurt, so it's better not to put my heart out there. That safety lies in burying my emotions in a dark pit where no one, not even me, really knows what's there.

There is a scene in Jane Eyre in which Jane is describing a man to Mr. Rochester. He asks, "He's heartless?" Jane says, "No, worse than that. He has a heart. I've seen it overflowing with passion, but he just keeps it buried in stone with a tenacious willpower." Tenacious willpower, fortified walls, numbness. All ways to keep myself from loving as I ought.

It's terrifying to love someone. To be connected. To be vulnerable. Yet, that's exactly what God repeatedly calls us to do. Love. God has no end to His love. We cannot reach the depth of it. There is no way to measure it. And we are called to love as He loves. We are called to be just like Jesus. Toward the end of Harold and Maude, Harold confesses to Maude, "I love you!" and she says, "Harold, that's wonderful! Now go and love some more!" That's what God says. Love more.

The only way we can love like God loves, is to be loving in God's will. I cannot love someone without God's strength and forgiveness. I have to be living in God's grace for myself so that I can turn around and be gracious to others. I have to soak in God's love in order to love others. And most importantly, I have to be obeying God in order to prevent myself and others from being consumed or destroyed by my own passions. When I am walking within God's commands and will for my life, I can trust Him that no matter what happens, He will walk through it with me.

Love is a curious thing. You don't always pick who you are going to love. Other times you have to deliberately choose to love someone. When you offer your love to someone and they reject it, it can make you never want to offer it again. Yet walling off our hearts to keep love contained destroys us more completely than being rejected ever could.

I am learning to love again and for the very first time. I think I might be able to do this. I think I finally trust God enough to love people and know that, no matter how painful it might be, God will be right there with me. He created me to love. He gave me a gift for loving difficult people. I think maybe I'm finally starting to be okay with that. I think I'm ready to unchain my heart.

We know that we have passed from death to life, because we love our brothers. Anyone who does not love remains in death. - I John 3:14

Growing Up

2009-07-18T21:45:00.003-08:00

I have never liked the idea of growing up. Time passing, getting older, added responsibilities. I actually hate it some days. I dig my heals in. I complain. I throw little hissy fits with God. Over the last year and a half, God has been teaching me SO many things. I'm not sure I could possibly begin to relate even half of them. I have grown. Yet, growing up still sounded like "take your medicine."

The past three weeks, I have been on a heck of a journey with God. He asked me to face something in my life that I did not want to face, and then He asked me to do something about it that I did not want to do. And I complained and threw a few hissy fits. And then, one day, as I was struggling with this, it was like God reached over, set His hand gently on my shoulder, and said, "It's time to grow up, Sarah."

Someone telling me to "grow up" could very easily be harsh and damaging ("Just grow up, Sarah!"). Instead, it was an extremely gentle and loving revelation of truth from God. It's time to stop having tantrums when life doesn't go the way I want it. It's time to start honoring the things God brings into my life instead of trying to fight them into being what I want them to be. It's time to grow up. I think I'm finally ready.

Daily Thought #5: Deeper Still

2009-07-05T20:21:00.007-08:00

Despite the fact that God has been nothing but faithful and good to me, my entire life, I struggle to trust Him. Every time I relinquish ownership and control of some part of my life to God, He is faithful and loving. It always turns out well, yet the next time He asks for my trust, I fight.

God says, "Trust me on this one. Just let go. Let go of that anger/hurt/need/whatever. Let me take care of it." And every time I fight and kick and scream and grasp more tightly. Until finally I realize that my fighting is actually making everything worse and that it would be so much easier to let go. So I do. And God is good and faithful, and I wonder why it took me so long to let go!

Then God asks me to do it again. But something deeper this time. It's harder every time, because every time I give something to God, He asks for something deeper. There are so many extraordinarily beautiful verses in the Bible that describe our relationship with God:

Deep calls to deep

in the roar of your waterfalls;

all your waves and breakers

have swept over me.

By day the LORD directs his love,

at night his song is with me—

a prayer to the God of my life.

The deep in God calls to the God-given deep in our souls. And yet we fight it. The more I give God, the more He asks from me. The deeper we go. God has asked some extraordinarily difficult things from me. I keep waiting for the place where I can rest, but He keeps pushing me.

Yet, every new act of obedience and submission; every demand and "right" I relinquish to Him; every time I forgive someone, I am blessed. I am blessed by trusting God a little bit more. Where once I fought and struggled, I now accept. Where once I questioned and yelled, I am learning to trust and obey.

The more I trust God, the more I want to trust God. He is the only truly trustworthy One. He is always faithful, always good. Learning to trust God gives me the strength to trust people. Learning to trust God gives me the relief of being in communion with my Creator. It helps me to know God and myself and others a little bit better.

Every step I take, God calls me deeper still.

Passion, Obsession, and Sleep

2009-06-30T15:58:00.007-08:00

I read an article yesterday about how the perceived generation gap right now is the widest it has been since the 1960s. Approximately 80% of people believe there is a major point of view difference between young and old. Some of the differences are obvious: 87% of adults 18-30 text on their cell phones, compared to 11% for those over 65. We all kinda knew that one, I think. More interesting are statements like these: "About two-thirds of people 65 and older said religion is very important to them, compared with just... 44 percent of people 18 to 29."

To me, the most interesting statement of all was this:

Still, [Paul Taylor] noted that the generation gap in 2009 seems to be more tepid in nature than it was in the 1960s, when younger people built a defiant counterculture in opposing the Vietnam War and demanding equal rights for women and minorities. 'Today, it's more of a general outlook, a different point of view, a general set of moral values,' Taylor said.

That statement stopped me. Are we tepid? Are young adults, ages 18-30, content to simply have a different general outlook than those who are making laws and policies and running this country? Why aren't we trying to change the world?

I've blogged before about how young people have passion and need older folks to help them learn wisdom and discernment to channel that passion. Many amazing things have been accomplished by movements of passionate young people in the past. What about today?

I remember being taught once back in my hard-core Baptist days, that the churches in Revelation were actually allegories for various time periods in the church. Thus, Philadelphia (the open door) was the 18th-19th centuries, when missionaries were spreading across the entire world. The 20th century marked the beginning of the Laodicean church. I have no idea if there is anything remotely right in such an interpretation of Revelation, but it struck me and stayed with me. In our "politically correct" world, have we become lukewarm? Do we think we are rich, when in reality we are blind and naked?

My pastor recently mentioned that he has been doing a lot of reading about young people and that my generation feels "abandoned" by their elders. They feel that their parents should have been there, but they weren't. I imagine the percentage of young adults who have been abused by a parent or important adult figure is shockingly high. We can certainly all name at least one friend who has been abused physically, verbally, or sexually. There is an entire generation of girls who have no self-worth, and who feel that long-term relationships are too hard and doomed to failure. Thus, the "hook-up" is rampant. Mine is a generation of cynics.

If I truly believe that I have been abandoned by my elders, I am likely to believe that God either doesn't exist or doesn't care. If I don't believe in God, and I really could care less about the morals and values guiding the parents who failed to care for me as I perceive they should, then why on earth would I try to change anything? What's the point? In some ways, it makes me think of the movie Children of Men.

I'm beginning to wonder if I have misjudged us. My generation is self-focused and obsessive, but are we passionate? We're willing to drink endless Monster energy drinks so we can play World of Warcraft without stopping for 24 or 36 or 48 hours. We know every joke ever made or who slept with whom on our favorite television shows. We send hundreds of text messages every day. We are overwhelmed by the voices telling us to be the best in sports, the best in academics, and to have the hottest boyfriend/girlfriend all at the same time. We drive ourselves to depression in increasing numbers trying to live up to these expectations. (About 11% of 17 year olds report suffering a "Major Depressive Episode" in the previous year!)

Perhaps the largest generation gap right now is a belief that things will change. I wonder if we haven't returned to the old saying, "Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we die!" Or maybe it is simply, "Meaningless, meaningless, all is meaningless." Maybe we aren't tepid, but rather, hopeless. Or maybe we are simply sleeping. Maybe we have been battered into the slumber of utter exhaustion. And we are waiting.

Wake, wake, oh, sleeper. He is coming. He is alive, this Jesus of Nazareth, the Son of David, the slain Lamb. He was born to be a King. He's alive, the Jewish man. He's alive. Prepare the way. People get ready. - "People Get Ready" by Misty Edwards

Pride vs. Humility

2009-06-29T18:36:00.004-08:00

Some of you may recognize the following words. Even if you do, I want you to read them with an open mind. Imagine that you are reading a blog post by a modern day missionary in which he addresses the people he used to serve. And this is what he says:

For we never came with flattering speech, as you know, nor with a pretext for greed--God is witness--nor did we seek glory from men, either from you or from others, even though as apostles of Christ we might have asserted our authority. But we proved to be gentle among you, as a nursing mother tenderly cares for her own children.

Having so fond an affection for you, we were well-pleased to impart to you not only the gospel of God but also our own lives, because you had become very dear to us. For you recall, brethren, our labor and hardship, how working night and day so as not to be a burden to any of you, we proclaimed to you the gospel of God.

You are witnesses, and so is God, how devoutly and uprightly and blamelessly we behaved toward you believers; just as you know how we were exhorting and encouraging and imploring each one of you as a father would his own children, so that you would walk in a manner worthy of the God who calls you into His own kingdom and glory.

What if a modern day person had said that instead of Paul? What would you think if you read a newspaper article that quoted a missionary saying he had behaved "devoutly, uprightly, and blamelessly" on the mission field? How would you react? What would you think?

Somewhere in Western Christianity, we seem to have developed a phobia of pride. I am no scholar; I have no idea when this happened or what led to it. I do know what it feels like, however. It's this fear that eats at the back of your mind. You are afraid to talk about your own giftings or achievements because you are afraid of being "puffed up." You start to add caveats to everything you say.

If you say something like, "I was right and good and true when I made that choice," then you aren't being humble right? Because every good thing comes from God and it's only because of Him that you can do good things. Right?

Then I read Paul's letters. It would be an interesting study to see how many times he defends himself and his own actions. Or even "boasts" about them (2 Corinthians 11:16-12:10). He's not afraid to state the good things that he's done. But he is also brutally honest about his failings. "To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me."

I think we miss out on what true pride and humility are when we play down our gifts and accomplishments. I don't know that I really understand true pride and humility. I do understand that someone ought to be able to say, "God gifted me in the area of music. I'm good at it." Without feeling guilty. Without being admonished. And without being conceited.

Paul knew when he had done a good thing. He knew when he had failed. And he was honest about both. I think that true character is based in the ability to be honest about our successes and our failures. It's about being able to say, "Yeah, I'm good at that" as well as, "Wow, I really failed there." It's about learning to define who we are by acknowledging our giftings and acknowledging where we are not gifted. Where we chose the right path and where we turned our back on God.

We need to "own" our decisions. We need to be responsible for them. Whether they were great and good decisions or really bad ones. We need to be able to talk about them openly and honestly. We need to be able to confess when we have been upright, devout, and blameless. And we need to confess when we have been completely the opposite.

Transformation

2009-06-28T21:01:00.005-08:00

I have always really struggled with feeling like I have grown. I question, I doubt. Have I really changed? Have I really grown? Would someone who I hadn't seen in five years say, "Wow, you've really changed Sarah"? Usually, I feel like the answer is no. Or I discount the change and say that it's so subtle, no one would really notice. It's internal change, but not external.

Today, I randomly wondered, What was the worst day of my life? And then I knew. There have been some really crappy days in my life. In fact, I can probably think of a top five list in about 30 seconds. But one day came back to me with full force. My 18th birthday.

My 18th birthday was not a day of epic tragedy, movie-style. Nothing horrible happened that day. In fact, I'm not sure anything at all happened that day. Yet I think that day may have been the lowest emotional point of my life. I had been struggling with depression for at least four months and it all seemed to come to a head that day. I wrote the following poem. It's obviously not up there with self-mutilation or anything, but I think it captures a little of the pit in which I felt so trapped.

I am eighteen today
I think about
What I have done
What I haven't

I have read billions of words
I have dreamed millions of dreams
I have been hundreds of places
I have loved dozens of people
I have served only one God
I have never been kissed

I am eighteen today
And my heart is broken
My soul is tired
My mind is weary

My reason shouts "You are blessed!
You have a wonderful life!"
And my heart weeps once more

I am eighteen today
And I yearn for peace
I yearn for love and satisfaction
I yearn for what only God can give

But I do not want it from God

I am eighteen today
and I am lost

I suppose someone could read that and think it's just silly, but I can assure you that it was coming out of a very dark and wretched place in my heart. I felt extremely alone and hopeless.

It was actually a good thing to look back at that place and realize that I am not that person anymore. I remember her, and I know her, and she's part of me. But she is not me and I am not her.

I have changed. I have developed a much deeper relationship with God and learned more about Him and who He is. I have developed a much deeper relationship with others and learned about them and about who I am. I have begun learning what it means to be a healthy person. What a healthy relationship looks like. What it means to live in a Christian community.

Mostly, I have learned who I am. I was very lost when I wrote that poem. I had no idea who I was or where I was going in life. I still don't know where I'm going, but I do know who I am. I know I don't know all of who I am. But I know that I am okay. I know that God loves me. I know that even if other people don't love me, it's not because I'm unloveable and terrible at my core.

I once asked God what I truly felt about myself and I had the strangest image in reply. I suddenly saw the candy-covered house from Hansel & Gretel. You know the house where the witch lived? Sweet on the outside, but a witch lived inside. That's how I felt about myself. I was terribly afraid of letting people really see me, because I was afraid that I was actually a witch and I would eat them up. Or they would shove me in the fire and run away. It would be bad.

I am not a witch on the inside. I have issues and bad habits and failings. I am more than the sum of all those things, however. There is a series of parables in Luke where Jesus talks about how precious and beautiful each person is to Him. He compares people to sheep and describes how the shephard will leave behind the 99 safe sheep to search for the 1 lost one. He talks about a woman who has some coins and she loses one. She searches her entire house carefully to find that single coin. And then He tells the story of the prodigal son. Of a father who loves both of His sons and says "Whatever is mine is yours!"

We all have issues. We all have failings. We all have places in serious need of a little scrubbing and sprucing up. We have all sinned. But we are none of us witches on the inside. We are lost sheep and lost coins and rebelling sons. And we are all precious to Him. How extraordinary! Jesus prayed to "Abba," Daddy, and told us to do the same. Do you tell any random kid in the street to call you Daddy or Mommy? Yet we have the right and the privilege of calling God, Daddy; of letting Him tell us who we are; of letting Him change us and then show us the change.

I am not the same person I was. I have grown. I have learned. I have changed. It has been hard work, sometimes even miserable work. It has been joyous and extraordinary. It has only been possible through the love of my Father, who never ceases to tell me that I am His and He is mine and I am okay.

Halfway through June without any posts...

2009-06-15T22:53:00.004-08:00

It's funny but when I started this blog, I couldn't slow the ideas down. It seemed like I had something to write about all the time. Then school came, and I got really busy. I suppose once school ended I expected to get right back to blogging every other day.

I haven't. It's strange because it's not that God isn't doing things in my life. Every day is a veritable cornucopia of blessing and cross bearing. A small factor is that I have typically worked on blog posts at work and I've been too busy at work to do that. But I have time in the evenings to do things. Yet I don't. LOL. Perhaps it's because I have Netflix subscription now!

I have so many interesting conversations with people, I read interesting articles and books, and I have lots of ideas brewing in my head. But for some reason I just haven't been in the mood to blog. Perhaps I need more self-discipline, I'm not sure. I do know that I started this blog for fun and I have no intention of blogging to meet some kind of arbitrary, self-imposed "should" list.

I don't have any deep or profound reason for not blogging. It's simply that I haven't really felt like it. I hope that will change soon, but I refuse to make any guarantees I can't keep. I'll blog when I feel like it, and I hope my friends don't mind the irregularity! :)

A Prison of the Mind

2009-05-31T20:43:00.004-08:00

I already posted about one major realization that I've had in the last week or so. Now I'd like to share another.

I'm not sure how it came to happen. No doubt it was a quiet building of patterns of thought and behavior over much of my lifetime, but somehow my life has come to be dominated by a very long series of should and should nots. There is a voice track that runs through my head all day long telling me "You should do this" or "You shouldn't do that." If I disobey this voice, I am flooded with guilt. And not the good-sorrow-that-brings-repentance guilt, but the bad-sorrow-that-leads-to-self-hate guilt. Thus my days were spent being tossed about on an ocean of shoulds and guilt.

I'm not sure I can explain how pervasive this thought pattern has been in my life. Perhaps I can illustrate it a little. The other day, it was late in the evening and I was trying to figure what to do in the last hour or so before bed. I was tired. Also, I hate ironing. I suddenly spy this pile of ironing that has been hanging on my closet door for about two weeks, waiting for me to buckle down and iron it. I should really iron my clothes right now, I think. But I know I won't, because I'm tired and I hate ironing. Now I feel guilty. Very guilty. I start telling myself I'm undisciplined and lazy. Normally, this would just devolve into me noticing all the other things around the apartment that I "should" do, and me beating myself up about how undisciplined and lazy I am.

There's a little window into the mind of Sarah. I don't even know where all these should and shouldn'ts are coming from. They're just there. And I have lived in a world where I feel controlled and guilted by this voice in my head. Lately, I have been feeling so free because I am learning to question this voice. Really, why should I iron my clothes? I'm not hurting anyone if I don't. The only true consequence of not ironing is having fewer options for getting dressed in the morning. And that's a consequence with which I was more than willing to live.

Sometimes, my voice is actually true. Sometimes I really should or shouldn't do something. Often though, these demands on my responsibility are completely arbitrary and untrue. It's a pretty tough life trying to keep up with an arbitrary dictator in one's head. A dictator without reason that guilts me when I don't listen to it. It's as though simply asking "Why should I?" has released me from this horrible prison in which I didn't even realize I was trapped!

It never ceases to amaze me the patterns that we learn in our lives. My life has been a lovely and blessed life. Yet I grew up feeling dominated by some voice in my head dictating my every action. No amount of blessing saves us from developing any issues. Living in a broken world, surrounded by broken people, we will be hurt and develop unhealthy habits. I am eternally grateful for a God who does not let us stay there, but is constantly drawing us forward into increasing health and joy and freedom!

Revelation & New Beginnings - My 100th post!

2009-05-30T00:57:00.006-08:00

It seems appropriate that my 100th post would be about something pretty awesome. This past week, God has been doing some intense revealing of my life to me. I picked up a book and read it over the holiday weekend (Boundaries by Cloud/Townsend). For some, that book may only be telling you what you already know, but for me it kind of blew my mind. It was like I had been living for a long, long time, knowing that something was off, but never understanding what it was. And suddenly, in reading this book, I was able to develop the vocabulary to understand a lot of my issues.

Do you remember how I posted recently about my walls? And how they don't really seem to protect me from things? There's a part in Boundaries where they talk about how some people have walls with gates (good), only their gates are backwards and they let in the bad while keeping out the good (bad). I think that's me. I feel like my whole life I've had reversed gates. As I've been hurt by others, I've learned to not put my heart out, to keep it "safe". Instead however, I just get hurt by others, without having the deep, meaningful friendships that will help me withstand and heal from the hurt. I experience the pain caused by others, without having opened my heart to the love of others as well.

My thoughts about a lot of things are reversed. I've talked about how I am a very responsible person. Only I've been realizing this week, that my sense of responsibility is actually reversed. I feel responsible for everyone else's feelings and actions. If I say something that upsets someone, then it's my fault. I should have known better. I should have anticipated their reaction and accounted for it. I carry the weight of others' bad choices. I carry the weight of others' mistakes.

When it comes to being responsible for myself, hoewever, quite the opposite is true. I feel like a victim. I feel like I am the victim of my circumstances, the victim of my own choices. I feel helpless and out of control. So instead of "owning" my own choices, I take responsibility for others' lives while feeling helpless to control anything in my own life. Talk about exhausting!

Something I heard when I was young was the idea that "Any control you think you have over your own life is just an illusion." I really think I absorbed and came to believe that idea. Only it's false. It's a lie. Because I do have some control over my life. I cannot control what happens to me, but I can control how I react to it. I control my yes and my no. I can set boundaries and say, "You may continue to act the way you are acting, but I will leave if you do, because your actions are hurtful to me." I can take actions to care for my own soul. In doing all of that, I am controlling my life.

I can give you an example to make this all a little clearer. Lately, I've really been struggling at my job. I've been feeling sorry formyself, and saying things like, "I just ended up here. I never intended to be working this job." I was starting to resent my work for the amount of time it took in my life. And when you resent your work, it makes it pretty hard to put out much effort in doing it. As I was thinking about the whole idea of being responsible for my own choices, I suddenly had this crazy clarity: I made the choice to work where I work. No one is forcing me to work there. If I really hate it, I can leave. No one is forcing me to live the comfortable lifestyle I live in order to make me feel a slave to my job and its paycheck. It was my choice. Sure, it's not a job I ever dreamt of having, but it is a job that I chose in order to live in the place I want to live. I realized all of this on Monday night. This was one of the best work weeks I've had in a long time. I didn't spend half my day trying to avoid work and feeling resentful. What a blessing!

It sucks to feel helpless in one's own life. I feel like I'm suddenly flying now that I am beginning to understand what I can and cannot control. My mind has been going like mad since I read the book, as I've tried to process and understand the implications for my life. I have many other things I want to talk about and write about, but this would be a very long post.

One thing I know I need to mention is that I am going to need help living this out. I have a lifetime of habits of feeling responsible for others and a victim. Although I feel like a GIANT weight has been lifted off of me right now, I know that I will be tempted to slip back into those patterns and pull that weight slowly back onto my shoulders. I feel like I finally have deep enough relationships with people right now, that I may have the support I need to learn to live out this newfound freedom. Thank you, Father in Heaven. I don't deserve Your love, but I am profoundly greatful that You have seen fit to bless me as You have.

Happy Memorial Day!

2009-05-25T10:50:00.006-08:00

I just want to say thank-you to all of our military folks out there. It's not easy to be in the military, especially with deployments and stoploss right now. So thanks everyone, especially Jesse, Nick, and Inga!

While I am very serious in my thanks, I really can't help throwing a bit of humor in. (All life needs humor sometimes!) So remember: our food is fighting!