Some of you may have heard that I recently had a promotion offered to me at work. I've been wrestling with this decision for days. Part of me wants the promotion (pay raise, more school which I love, a plan for the next five years of my life...), but part of me doesn't want the promotion (I don't enjoy the work, I'd be "trapped" in a commitment, I really don't enjoy the work...). So back and forth I go. In the midst of wrestling with all of the pros and cons, God overwhelmed me by showing me why my heart was so torn up by the choice.
All of my life, I've been the responsible one. I'm the one who always makes the "right" life choices (teen pregnancy? didn't even date until I was 22!). I got straight As in school. I pay all my bills on time, and I only use my credit card in emergencies. Yadda, yadda, yadda. I'm the steady one.
And do you know what, friendly reader? I hate it sometimes. Sometimes, all I want to do is break free and do something insane and crazy and mind-blowing for God. What makes it worse, is when my friends do do something sweet for God. Or when their life's calling is to worship God. And I'm back tending the sheep. While my brothers go out and fight. Like David. I wonder if David ever threw rocks at the sheep in resentment? Or pretended they were Philistines and whacked them with sticks? Just a thought.
This promotion carries with it a time commitment. I kept asking God, "Is it the right choice?" My biggest fear was that it was the right choice. Because that would mean more years of living a boring, steady life without grand adventures. Of being the one who is always here when people come back from attempting great things for God. I was once compared to the foundation of a house.
In the midst of all of this, of course, you may have discerned a lie. And the lie is that I have to go to Africa or stand up in front of Church on Sundays to live an adventure. The truth is that every day with God is an adventure. He's always showing me new things about myself, my friends and community, about life. He doesn't fit in any boxes, and He will blow my mind if I give Him the least chance. I have an idea of what I want my life to look like, of how I can use my gifts to influence others. And do you know what God said to me yesterday, "Only I know who I have created you to be." Wow. That's so scary and comforting all at the same time!
When it comes down to it, I'm not sure it matters if I take this promotion offer or not. Because whichever road I choose, I will choose to walk it with God as my friend, my Lover, and my guide. And while some days it will still suck to be the responsible type, God will most certainly keep my life from being boring.
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